


Knot Your Fingers Through Mine

by TealTumbleweed



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Asexual Character, Asexuality, M/M, Mental Health Issues, References to Past Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-26
Updated: 2013-10-26
Packaged: 2017-12-30 12:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 25,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1018839
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TealTumbleweed/pseuds/TealTumbleweed
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dean's carefully planned future threatens to go up in smoke when he is forced to take a literature class over the summer. He resigns himself to having the worst holiday ever, until he realizes that his project partner may be the best thing that's ever happened to him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been working on this story on-and-off for the last year or so and even though it’s not very long, I was afraid I’d never be able to finish it. However, SPN episode 9x03 made me want to drown in a puddle of tears so I decided to finish it after all – because I’m pretty sure I’m not the only one who headcanons Cas as asexual and feels there are not enough stories out there that deal with this. Last but not least, today marks the last day of Asexual Awareness week, and although Castiel’s asexuality isn’t the main focus in this story, I thought it’d still be nice to share and tag it as such.
> 
> Title taken from Open Your Eyes by Snow Patrol.

 

 

 

 

 

“You can’t be serious.”  
  
Dean Winchester felt as if the ground was crumbling away beneath his feet. The situation had a certain dreamlike quality to it; it was _that_ unexpected. Unfortunately, Dean was quite sure he really was sitting in front of the head of Kansas University’s engineering department. He was not having a nightmare.  
  
Professor Hamilton, who Dean actually liked despite the fact that he’d just singlehandedly destroyed Dean’s promising future, had the grace to look apologetic.  
  
“I wish I could tell you otherwise, Mr Winchester, but it’s something we can’t get around, no matter how much you flirt with my secretary.” At this, Dean smiled sheepishly. “I don’t know why it’s taken so long for someone to notify you, but the fact remains the same. You need three more credits in a humanities elective before you can graduate.”  
  
A million thoughts raced through Dean’s mind, but none of them were particularly helpful at the moment. He sighed.  
  
“As I said, I’m pretty sure I was told that wasn’t necessary, man. I did a double bachelor! In engineering and business, nonetheless. Why on earth would I need more _humanities_ credits? That doesn’t make any sense.”  
  
“I know you must be frustrated—” “You don’t understand! I _have_ to graduate right now, otherwise I won’t be able to start the job I have lined up! I _need_ that job,” Dean interrupted his elder, feeling as if he was about to reach full-blown panic.  
  
“Surely you can postpone the start date of your job another two months?”  
  
“Two months? Why two months?”  
  
Professor Hamilton gathered some of the printouts that cluttered his otherwise tidy desk and shoved them towards the student.  
  
“That would give you the time to take an eight week summer course.”  
  
Eight more weeks… Dean figured it could be worse. “Okay,” he allowed. “What courses are on offer?”  
  
The question seemed to halt the other man, and he gazed at Dean with a look that could almost be called pity.  
  
“As this is all very last-minute, most classes have started with full groups already. There is one course you could still take, if you really need to graduate as soon as possible.”  
  
Dean looked at his professor expectantly. “Yes?” he asked. “What is it?”  
  
With a nod to the papers in Dean’s hand, Hamilton told him he’d already let the relevant teacher know Dean would be joining her classes. Dean felt a sense of dread engulfing him when he looked down at the printouts.  
  
“The Bible, the Classics, and Modern Literature. You have got to be kidding me.”  
  
Dean’s jaw had dropped open. Apparently, it really couldn’t be any worse.

 

 

 

 

As his luck would have it (that is to say, none at all), the course met every Tuesday at 2pm − which had been just over 10 minutes ago. In a half jog, half run, Dean searched around the literature department for the right lecture hall. When he finally found it, he was 20 minutes late, out of breath, and sweating slightly. Wonderful. He pushed the door open and— oh. Not a lecture hall, then. About a dozen faces looked up at him and Dean had to quell the urge to start running again.  
  
“Yes?” a small woman asked him, and Dean assumed she was the teacher. The tables were aligned in some weird circle so it was hard to tell.  
  
“This the literature class?” he asked bluntly, and at the professor’s nod he continued. “Got room for one more? I really need the credits.”  
  
The woman pursed her lips, evidently not happy at the prospect of having a student that would only attend for the _credits_.  
  
“This class started a week ago. And—” she glanced at her watch. “Almost half an hour ago. I will make these two exceptions. You will be on time for the rest of the meetings.”  
  
She pointed him towards one of the empty desks cluttering the corner and after some awkward shuffling around, Dean found himself in a group with eleven others. He belatedly noticed they were all women and for once that thought made him feel more intimidated than anything else.  
  
It didn’t take long for Dean to realize that he was absolutely right about feeling out of his depth. He didn’t have any of the required books with him and even after glancing at the book open in front of the brunette next of him, he was clearly the only one in the room that has no clue what he was talking about.  
  
During the 15-minute break halfway through the seminar, Dean read the course outline he’d been handed by Professor Hamilton earlier that day. It listed all required reading and outlined the forms of examination; the first part was a partnered essay and presentation, the second a written exam. The ‘partnered’ part of the essay and presentation made him pause, and he carefully made his way over to – according to the printout – Dr Visyak.  
  
“Um, excuse me?” Dean started softly, afraid that his presence might disturb her. “It says here that part of the course is supposed to be a group effort but I’m thinking everyone’s probably partnered up already?”  
  
“Ah, yes, I wanted to have a word about that. I do have one other participant in my class who has yet been left unpartnered. He clearly indicated this was his preference, but I don’t think he’d object to having you as his group mate. However, you’ll have to come up with the way of collaboration yourselves as Castiel takes this class with some special arrangements since he’ll be unable to make it to any of the classes.”  
  
“Any?” Dean asked suspiciously. “How the hell does that work?” He just managed to avoid asking if that could apply to him, as well.  
  
“As I said, special circumstances. I’ll give him your email address so he can contact you himself.  What did you say your name was, again?”

 

 

 

 

The rest of the class passed quite quickly. In the end, Dean still wasn’t sure what to think about this whole literature thing. If he had to be honest, it had been a lot less boring than the one lit class he took in his freshman year, although he still didn’t see himself reading anything for fun in the near future.  
  
After picking up two large pizza’s – one pepperoni, one with a load of different vegetables – from the closest of the several cheap restaurants on campus he made his way back to his apartment.  
  
“Sammy, you in?” Dean shouted as he deposited the flat cardboard boxes on the kitchen counter. He was pleased to notice that his younger brother had done the dishes, though it didn’t surprise him. Sammy had always been the responsible one when it came to trivial stuff like that.  
  
“In here!” Sam’s voice echoed in their small bathroom. After a few seconds, he joined Dean in the kitchen wearing boxers and a t-shirt, an old white towel wrapped around his head. For a moment Dean’s heart constricted at the way Sammy’s bangs kept flopping into his eyes as he rubbed his hair dry.  
  
“You brought dinner, awesome!” Sam’s appreciative whistle cut through Dean’s haze of nostalgia. “Where were you all afternoon anyway? Thought you only had a short meeting?”  
  
Dean paused in transferring some of the huge slices of pizza onto two chipped plates.  
  
“Man, I wish,” he supplied. “Turns out I can’t graduate next week after all.”  
  
“What?” Dean felt ridiculously pleased with Sam’s indignant squeak, even if it did almost make him drop their dinner. The two brothers sat down side by side on the couch and Dean turned the TV to a news channel.  
  
“Not enough humanities credits, if you’ll believe it. Shit, Sammy! I was so close. Now I have to spend my summer in this chick lit class. It’s embarrassing.”  
  
Of course, that statement only made Sam laugh. By now he was quite used to his older brother’s moaning about everything that wasn’t ‘manly’.  
  
“I’m sure you’ll survive, Dean,” he smirked. Then, his face grew thoughtful before turning to disgust. “Wait. You’re not going to make it your mission to sleep with every girl in class, right?”  
  
Dean wasn’t sure whether he should feel indignant or proud after hearing that comment. Sure, he didn’t sleep around nearly as much as he’d let most people believe, but Sam’s comment almost sounded like a challenge.  
  
“Shut your face, Sammy,” was what he settled on eventually. “Besides, it’s not like I’m the only guy in class!”  
  
Sam raised an eyebrow. “So, what, you want to sleep with him too?”  
  
That finally got a real reaction out of Dean. He spluttered, almost choking on the bite of pizza he’d just stuffed into his mouth. “What? No!” Dean felt his face grow red and, to Sam’s evident glee, didn’t know how to respond any further. After a few seconds of heavy silence, Sam took pity on him.  
  
“Oh man, you’re just so easy to rile up. So, what, is he your new best friend now? You gotta have each other’s backs in a class with women who voluntarily take extra lit credits during their summer. They’ll eat you alive, man!”  
  
At last Dean felt normal again. “Yeah, thanks for that, Sammy. And no, I haven’t actually met him yet. Teach said he’s taking the entire class from the comforts of his own home, or something. Lazy bastard.”  
  
Sam looked thoughtful. “I’m sure he has his reasons for not being able to attend class, Dean. They don’t give out that kind of exceptions lightly.’  
  
Sam was right, of course, but Dean still couldn’t help but think he would’ve liked the same arrangements. “Anyway, he said. “I’ll meet him soon enough. We’re doing a group project together and Dr Visyak said she’d have him email me. I’m sort of hoping he’s a huge nerd so I can make him do all the work.”  
  
At that, Sam looked appalled. “Dean! Please tell me that you’re joking!”  
  
Dean just smiled at his baby brother’s protest. Leave it to Sammy to feel offended in behalf of all geeks in existence. Hell, he should be their king. Dean didn’t think he’d ever met anyone more brainy than his younger brother.  
  
“Just eat your pizza, kid.”  
  
The local news turned to a sports bulletin and both brothers finished their dinner in relative silence. Dean stole the occasional glance at the boy – God, he was taller than Dean now – next to him and he was once again pained by the thought of how much he would miss the idiot when he went off to university. Stanford was a long way away from Lawrence, Kansas, and while he was so proud Sammy got in on a full ride, he couldn’t help but think they should make the most out of the last two months they had left together. Because while Sam wouldn’t disappear completely out of his life this September, it still felt like Dean was losing him to better things. 

 

 

 

 

It didn’t take long for Dean to receive an email from his mystery partner. When he went into his bedroom to check his inbox just after dinner it sat waiting among some Facebook notifications (and he spent some time browsing through his friend Charlie’s latest LARP photos) and an invitation to a lecture on biomedical engineering.  
  
>Dear Mr Winchester,  
>  
>As Dr Visyak informed me, you and I will be partnering for the assignment set for the “The  
>Bible, the Classics, and Modern Literature” summer course. Due to the most of unfortunate  
>circumstances I will be unable to attend any of the seminars for the time being and I dearly  
>hope you are not against the idea of working on the project via email correspondence. I was led  
>to believe that you only signed up for the course this week, so in case you haven’t already set  
>your eyes on a topic I would like to suggest we tackle the religious themes in Shelley’s  
> _Frankenstein_. I assume you are familiar with _Paradise Lost_? Dr Visyak mentioned you major in  
>engineering but you no doubt enrolled in this course because of an outside interest in  
>literature.  
>  
>I’m looking forward to work with you.  
>Castiel Novak  
  
 _Paradise what now?_ Dean was quite sure he never had read an email like this ever before in his life. _This dude must be one of those senior citizens back to school_ , he thought. On the other hand, he sounded like he knew exactly what he was talking about, so Dean saw that as an advantage. Castiel – seeing the name written down did not make it any less weird – had probably already started. _Score_.  
  
>Hey Castiel,  
>Please call me Dean. I’m okay with collaborating on the essay through email, but what about  
>the presentation? Will you be able to attend class then? Anyway, I’m fine with whatever topic  
>you suggested. I’m not sure how frankenstein is religious ‘cause I thought it was just some  
>horror flick about a monster but I’ll make sure to read up on that. Have to admit I never heard  
>of paradise lost before, though. I’ll check that out too. Do you just want to write half the essay  
>or what? I don’t really have much experience with literature so I’m a bit at a loss here.  
>Dean  
  
Instead of waiting for his new classmate to respond, he pulled up Google and searched for Frankenstein. Of course he was familiar with the story in general, but you really shouldn’t have asked him about any details. After reading around on Wikipedia and Sparknotes he realized he really didn’t know that much about the original novel itself. Hell, he didn’t even know it was that _old_. Or written by a chick. Honestly, he wouldn’t have thought that people wrote cool stuff in back in the 19th century.  
  
By the time he noticed that he’d received a reply from Castiel, Dean had spent almost three hours on research. He was surprised when he noticed the time; it hadn’t felt that long. The last hour he had been poring over a _summary_ of Paradise Lost and while it didn’t seem that bad he didn’t think he would be able to manage to read the entire thing, either. It was _long_ , and, to Dean’s initial disgust, a _poem_. Dean Winchester did not do poems.  
  
>Dean,  
>  
>I appreciate the quick response. It’s unfortunate that you are unfamiliar with literary subjects  
>in general but I suppose it cannot be helped. If you want, I can recommend you some books that  
>might be useful for you to understand the topic better. For the time being I suggest that you  
>make yourself familiar with both literary works I mentioned in my previous email, and  
>assuming that they speak to you I will welcome any suggestions you have regarding the topic I  
> set. That way we can determine which aspects we want to cover. I do agree that your  
>suggestion of each of us writing half an essay would be most productive, although we would  
>have to edit each other’s work to the point that it reads as if it has been written by a single  
>author.  
>  
>Would one week be sufficient for you to read _Frankenstein_ and the relevant passages from  
> _Paradise Lost_? If you want, I can recommend some relevant biblical passages as well – I don’t  
>know how familiar you are and therefore I can’t tell whether you would recognize the right  
>books yourself.  
>  
>Looking forward to hearing your suggestions,  
>Castiel  
  
Dean was starting to think this guy meant serious business. He had one week to read Frankenstein _and_ Paradise Lost _and_ the Bible? At least this class was the only thing he had to do this summer. That reminded him; he completely forgot to contact Singer Solutions, the company he’d planned to start working at next week. A surge of anxiety attacked him, making him fear that he wouldn’t be able to get the opportunity back after graduating university for real. The main reason he got a job at all was because Bobby Singer, the owner of the company, knew that Dean had done everything to make sure he graduate on time. He had given him the benefit of the doubt and now Dean had to disappoint him after all.  
  
After sending a quick affirmative to Castiel, he scrolled through the contact list on his phone. It was nearing 11pm but Dean knew that Bobby wouldn’t mind him calling at this hour. He selected the right number and waited for his call to be answered.  
  
“Yes?” a gruff voice sounded, and Dean nearly hung up again. He cursed God for his bad luck and crossed his fingers, hoping this would end well.  
  
“Mr Singer? It’s Dean Winchester?”  
  
“Yes?” the man on the other end repeated. Bobby Singer wasn’t known for his pleasantries.  
  
“I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news, sir. It seems that something has gone wrong with my graduation application” –a little white lie never hurt anyone – “and I won’t be able to finish my degree until early September.”  
  
For a long moment, Dean was greeted by nothing but a heavy silence.  
  
“Damn, boy. Lady Luck really doesn’t like you, does she? That does put a damper on my plans for a bit. Can’t you start without the degree? I really need someone to help out full time when Henriksen leaves next month and I want him to show you the ropes.”  
  
“I can’t right now, at least not full time. The thing is—” Dean sighed, feeling embarrassed. “I need to get 3 more humanities credits so I’m enrolled in a literature class this summer. I’m so, so sorry Bobby. I swear I didn’t know anything about all this.”  
  
On the other end of the line, Dean could hear Bobby snort. “Can you drop by a few hours a week at least? That way Henriksen can still show you most and you’ll just have to work twice as hard in September.”  
  
Dean fell quiet. _Seriously_? “You mean you still want me?”  
  
“Of course I still want you, you idjit. That brain of yours is a fucking goldmine in this business, I ain’t having some other company steal you away from me because of a damned _literature_ class. Besides, I know how desperate you are for this job. Know your daddy needs it. I made you a promise and I ain’t going back on it.”  
  
For a moment, Dean couldn’t do anything but let out a sigh of relief. “Thanks Bobby,” he told the man, and if his voice sounded a little tight, neither man mentioned it.  
  
After discussing the issue a bit more and coming up with a schedule that worked for the both of them, Dean hung up the phone and walked back into the living room, where Sam was playing video games on their old Xbox. He was deeply concentrated on bashing the living hell out of zombies and didn’t look up until Dean fell down into the couch next to him. He spared him a quick glance before continuing to behead the undead, but his attention was back on his brother when he’d processed Dean’s look.  
  
“Everything alright?” he asked, somewhat concerned. On the screen, a zombie had started to gnaw on his character’s arm.  
  
Dean turned to Sam, and his face split slowly into a grin. “Yeah, Sammy,” he said. “I think everything will be.”  
  
The TV screen started flashing red, indicating that Sam was dying in the game, and he quickly smashed some buttons on his controller to safe his skin. When the immediate danger had passed, he grabbed a second controller from the coffee table in front of him and shoved it at Dean.  
  
The rest of the evening was spent with a lot of laughter and good-natured sibling ribbing. While the two brothers were slaughtering zombies, Dean told Sam about his agreement with Bobby and the curious emails he’d received from Castiel. When Dean revealed that his new mystery partner sounded like some ancient bore, Sam admonished him and told him to play nice. Dean agreed. The guy really didn’t seem all that bad, and Dean was sure he’d even be able to get a good mark for a literature class. Normally he wouldn’t have bothered since it was only the credits that counted, but at the moment he felt like it’d be worth the effort. And don’t tell anyone he ever thought this, but Dean figured it might even be fun.

 

 

 

 

The next day was a Wednesday and because he’d agreed with Bobby that he’d go into work next week as planned, Dean figured it’d be a good idea to get a head start on the literature assignment. He didn’t really have a clue as to where to start apart from the works Castiel had mentioned, so a trip to the university library was in order. It wasn’t like Dean actually _owned_ any of the required books.  
  
After a quick shower and two cups of black coffee, Dean told Sam he would be gone for the rest of the morning. Sam, who was making the most of his time off and lounging on the couch in a pair of worn sweats, almost choked on the piece of toast he was eating.  
  
“You’re going out _now_?” he spluttered. “Dean, it’s _not even ten in the morning_.”  
  
Dean flushed red with indignity. “So?” he challenged hotly. “Everyone knows the library is the quietest around this time.”  
  
Dean couldn’t even finish his sentence before Sam started laughing outright. “You’re actually going to the libra—hahaha!” Dean crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Shut up, bitch,” he retorted, which only resulted in Sam guffawing even harder. He was just about to fall off the couch when Dean had enough. With a last scorned look at his annoying little brother he grabbed his messenger bag which held his laptop and notebook and angrily legged out of the apartment.  
  
The Winchester brothers didn’t live too close to the campus, but Dean had a car and a driver’s license for a reason. He made his way downstairs and outside, where he unlocked his beloved 1967 Chevrolet Impala. The car had been a total wreck just a few years ago, but Dean had lovingly rebuilt her all by himself when he was fifteen. About a quarter of an hour later, Dean found himself staring up at the intimidating building that held the Watson Library. Sure, Dean had been to the library often enough, but he usually stuck to the Spahr Engineering Library, as that was the only one relevant to his main major. He might have rushed through the literature rows once in his first year but that had mostly been because Sam had begged him to find him something interesting to read. Sammy was the kind of kid to enjoy reading 1200-page novels and their accompanying critical essays, not Dean.  
  
Initially, Dean had planned to make a beeline towards the catalogue computers and only get what he needed, but now that he made it to the relevant section he decided to browse a bit first. That way he might actually stumble across something useful instead of sticking to the required reading and not making any extra effort. For some reason, Castiel really made him want to try his hardest. The guy had sounded pretty intellectually intimidating and Dean didn’t want him to think he was just some ignorant hick who couldn’t formulate any opinions on his own.  
  
It didn’t take him too long to find a row of books that might actually be useful in the topic his project partner had chosen. The books stared dauntingly at him, silently mocking him for his lack of knowledge.  
  
“Winchester!”  
  
The exclamation upset the silent atmosphere in the library and made Dean cringe. He plastered a fake smile on his face and turned around, not in the mood to swap small talk, and especially not with the person that just called his name.  
  
“Gordon,” he nodded at the other guy, hoping he wouldn’t notice Dean’s disappointment at being recognized. However, although Gordon Walker wasn’t necessarily top of the class, he was nothing if not sly.  
  
“What on earth are you doing in the library? I’m pretty sure you didn’t have to retake any exams, don’t tell me you decided to get some extra credits after all? I didn’t think you’d be that… strait-laced.” He smirked, and Dean felt even more uncomfortable.  
  
“What?” he said, trying to play it cool. “No man, just passing the time. My summer internship won’t start till next week and I saw some seriously hot girls around here a while back. Just hoping to score some, you know.”  
  
Dean winced at his own excuse, hoping Gordon wouldn’t pick up on how uninterested he sounded. God, why did he even care what Gordon fucking Walker thought? The guy was a grade-a douche. But a rich and influential douche nonetheless, and Dean knew that if he admitted to the truth all of the guys he usually hung around with would think less of him. Huh. Maybe it was time to find new friends.  
  
“Nice, Winchester!” Gordon said, seemingly believing Dean’s flimsy lie. “It’s a miracle you even knew that the library had sections other than engineering. Literature is the place to be if you want to get laid! All the hot virgins study English. Woo them with your poetry, my man.”  
  
And with a punch to Dean’s shoulder, Gordon was off again. Dean let out a long breath, quickly looking around. When he was sure no-one else was nearby, he grabbed a promising looking book titled ‘Literature in Biblical Context’ and shoved it under his arm. The appearance of Walker had made him feel uncomfortable in the large open space of the library and he felt the need to make it back to the safe confines of his own apartment.  
   
Dean quickly made his way over to one of the catalogue computers and searched for the books he’d had to read. Luckily they were all present on the upper floors – he’d have hated to have to wait for someone to cart them up from the basement stacks for him – and he made a quick job of collecting the two books; now that he thought about it, he was quite sure they still had an old bible of their mom’s back at home.  
  
When Dean got back home, Sam was gone and had left a note for him on the fridge. _Out with Ash and Jo_ , it said. Dean smiled to himself, wishing he could’ve gone with them. He loved Ash and Jo to bits – they were practically family – and he didn’t see either of them often enough even though they did share the same hometown. Ash was a genius of epic proportions and the reason Dean had met his best friend Charlie, and Jo would always be the little sister he never wanted. However, since Ash went to Stanford – where Sam would be following him in September – and Jo worked in Kansas City, they didn’t have that many occasions where the four of them could spend time together. Dean hadn’t even known that Ash and Jo were in town for the summer and made a mental note to give them a call and arrange for them to meet up in the next few days.  
  
He tore Sam’s post-it from the refrigerator and opened the humming machine, grabbing a water bottle and automatically evaluating the contents for dinner that night. There was still some leftover lasagna and an unopened bag of lettuce, so he figured he didn’t need to go grocery shopping just yet. He closed the fridge again and drank some of the cooled water. It was starting to feel like summer outside – finally, as it was already over a week into July – and even the short car drive to and from the library had left Dean somewhat hot.  
  
When he checked the clock on the microwave, Dean saw it wasn’t even eleven yet. It surprised him, because normally he wouldn’t be able to manage to go out, get things done, and be back before noon. Nodding to himself at this improvement he made his way over to the small breakfast bar and got his new books along with his laptop out of bag. When Sam was around he’d usually study in his bedroom, but seeing as there were too many distractions around in there he settled for the blandness of the kitchen instead. Dean turned on his laptop and while waiting for it to power up went into the living area of their communal space and browsed the shelves between the TV and the window for their family bible. He located it soon enough and went to sit on one of the stools in front of the higher kitchen counter.  
  
As soon as he opened his internet browser he went into his email inbox and felt the urge to write Castiel an update. Dean thought the guy had sounded like the lonely sort and somehow felt he might be able to befriend him. Sure, Castiel seemed a bit weird, but after Gordon’s comments that morning he thought it might be time to make a male friend in town that he could discuss things with that weren’t boobs or beer.  
  
>Hey Castiel,  
>I just came back from the library and got the books you told me to read. I also found another  
>book that might be helpful with this topic. I’d planned to study them in the library but ran into  
>someone I’d rather have not run into so I’ll just have to read them at home and hope I won’t get  
>too distracted ;) My brother is out right now so I think I’ll be alright. Could you maybe send  
>some recommendations for what to read in paradise lost and the bible? I’m not sure I can  
>figure that out myself to be honest, hope you don’t mind. I’ll start reading frankenstein now. It  
>doesn’t look like it’s _that_ long and I read pretty quick so I’ll probably finish that by tomorrow.  
>Do you maybe have skype or facebook so we could im? Emailing back and forth isn’t really the  
>most productive as it can take quite a while for someone to respond and I think it might be  
>useful to have an immediate reply in some cases. Obviously I don’t know what you do during  
>the day but at least at night it might be useful? Maybe we can schedule a couple of hours to be  
>online so we can discuss matters more freely? Let me know what you think.  
>Dean  
  
After sending his latest email, Dean grabbed the copy of Frankenstein he’d gotten from the library and quickly leafed through it. It didn’t seem that complicated, although he was confused by the narrative at first. Part of it seemed to be told through letters, and Dean always thought that to be a little silly. He felt it would be a lot more productive to stick to one narrative, but who knew. Maybe reading this novel might actually change his perspective on things. Dean thought back to his high school days, the only ones where he had actually read a few novels and short stories and the occasional poem. He didn’t _dislike_ fiction, per se – he remembered being quite enamored with the works of Vonnegut when he was in his teens – but he just never seemed to be able to find the time to indulge in recreational reading.  
  
“Let’s get this over with,” Dean muttered to himself and after a quick glance to ascertain he hadn’t gotten any new replies from Castiel, he started to read. 

 

 

 

 

Victor Frankenstein had just started on his monstrous creation (and here he was, thinking _Frankenstein_ was the monster) when Dean received a reply from Castiel. He ripped a sheet of paper from his notebook to use as a bookmark and turned to his laptop.  
  
>Dear Dean,  
>  
>I’m happy to hear that you managed to find the books I suggested and I hope you will find joy in  
>reading them – if not in _Paradise Lost_ then at least in _Frankenstein_ as it is one of my favorites.  
>I’ve compiled a list of recommended passages for you to read and I’m attaching them to this  
>email. I like your suggestion of using Skype for further communications; it is a lot more direct  
>than email although I have to admit I might not respond immediately as I have trouble to  
>formulate casual sentences. I use my real name on Skype so you shouldn’t have any problems  
>finding me – there aren’t many Castiels out there. I might not be available during the morning  
>or afternoon but my evenings are always empty so I’ll make sure to get online every night. If  
>you have any questions or anything re: our project don’t hesitate to ask them; I’ll be happy to  
>help you out.  
>  
>Castiel  
  
Not wasting any time, Dean logged onto Skype and searched for Castiel Novak in the directory. As expected, there was only one entry and while it was registered on a different email address Dean was pretty sure this was the Castiel he was looking for. Not wasting any time, he added him as a contact. At that moment his stomach began to protest loudly, and Dean glanced at the clock displayed in the corner of his screen. It was after one already – he had been quite engrossed in his new novel. Leaving his laptop open, he stood up and rummaged through the fridge. He didn’t particularly feel like making something extravagant right now so he settled for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He constructed his meal while waiting for a new batch of coffee, and when everything was done he made his way back to the table.  
  
Castiel had accepted him as a contact and was online, but he hadn’t said anything yet. Dean decided to just start talking to him, let him know he had started in _Frankenstein_ and quite enjoyed it so far even if he didn’t understand it fully yet.  
  
 **Dean: hey cas! you available to talk rn?  
**  
Dean stared at the screen, taking a huge bite out of his PBJ sandwich. The cursor blinked back at him, giving no indication that the person at the other end was currently there. He frowned and finished his first sandwich, confused as to why Castiel wasn’t responding. His status said he was online, surely he couldn’t be that far from his computer if he accepted Dean’s contact request mere moments ago?  
  
To pass the time while eating his lunch, Dean went on YouTube and watched the new videos from two of his subscriptions. He didn’t follow anyone religiously because he simply didn’t have the time to spend too long on the video site to watch cat video after cat video, but he did enjoy watching some free comedy every now and again. He had to admit; some of these people really put effort into their videos. Finally, just when he finished his food and went back for a second cup of coffee, he got a reply on Skype.  
  
 **Castiel: Hello Dean.**  
  
Dean smiled at the short message. He didn’t even know the other guy but somehow the two words sounded like Castiel alright. Dean wondered if the guy ever did something casually.  
  
 **Dean: hey! i just started frankenstein after your last email and it’s actually really good! it’s really different from what i thought it would be but i like the way it’s written. at chapter 5 now.**  
  
Again, it took some time for Castiel to respond. Dean’s thoughts went back to Castiel’s latest email in which he’d said that he wasn’t very good at casual communication. It sounded really strange to Dean’s ears because he felt that was the easiest thing in the world, but he guessed that maybe it doesn’t work like that for everyone. After a few more minutes, Castiel came with his reply.  
  
 **Castiel: I’m glad to hear you seem to enjoy it so far. I can guarantee you it will become even more captivating once the Creature joins the narrative. Please pay close attention when he recounts his interaction with the DeLacey family as it is very important in relation to our themes.  
Castiel: Also, Cas?**  
  
Dean couldn’t help but grin at Castiel’s messages. The second one was sent only a second after the first, as if the first message took him a while to compile and the last one was more of an afterthought.  
  
 **Dean: that not okay? castiel sounds a bit formal and i'm used to giving nicknames to people, hope that’s alright with you**  
 **Dean: and i'll make sure to pay attention to the creature’s narrative. i hadn’t thought he would be able to talk properly and make friends and things. oh and thanks for the recs for paradise lost and the bible i'd be lost otherwise.  
Dean: i could probably ask sammy for help with that but he already made fun of me for going to the library this morning so i'd rather not :P**  
  
While waiting for a reply from his newest friend, Dean read some more in _Frankenstein_. He figured he should probably take notes while reading it, but he’d do that later. He wasn’t the type to highlight everything and he could always go back to Sparknotes for the details.  
  
 **Castiel: I guess Cas is alright. I’m not used to nicknames from people other than my family, is all. Is Sammy the brother you previously mentioned? Do you live together? Sorry if I’m prying, I’m just curious. You seem like a nice person.**  
  
He didn’t know why, but the stiff way of writing Castiel seemed to favor really made Dean laugh. Not in a pitying way, more in a I-didn’t-know-people-still-talked-like-that way. Dean thought the guy probably never made a typo in his entire life.  
  
 **Dean: cas it is then ;) sammy’s my brother yeah, we share an apartment  
Dean: though he usually tries to kill me for calling him sammy  
Dean: (his name is sam in case you didn’t get it)**  
  
This time, it only took a few minutes for Castiel to reply.  
  
 **Castiel: I have to side with your brother on this one. My cousin has the obnoxious habit of calling me ‘Cassie’ which never manages to amuse me. Him, on the other hand…  
Castiel: I would have to say ‘Cas’ is a great improvement.  
**  
Again, Dean had to smile. Maybe this Castiel wasn’t as odd as he’d originally feared – he sounded a bit like an even more serious Sam. For some reason, Dean really felt like trying to figure out the other man. He seemed interesting, almost like a code waiting to be cracked.  
  
 **Dean: so what made you take this lit class? do you need the credits or do you just enjoy taking classes instead of hanging out by the pool?  
Dean: my brother would probably be the type to take an extra course instead of going out and having fun haha**  
  
When Dean still didn’t have a reply after five minutes, he went back to reading his novel. He really hoped he hadn’t offended Castiel, though. That would definitely complicate matters. Just when Dean realized he’d read the same sentence at least ten times, he put the book aside and moved to type a clarifying apology. Before he could actually send anything, though, Castiel came with another response.  
  
 **Castiel: I’m not enrolled in university fulltime at the moment. I had to take some time off and I’m using two summer courses to get back into the rhythm, I guess. Although I do have to admit I prefer reading books to going to a swimming pool.**  
  
Dean breathed a sigh of relief. For a moment he had been afraid he’d blown it.  
  
 **Dean: that’s cool, hope i didn’t make you think i was judging you or anything. it’s pretty cool that you’re dedicated enough to take classes during summer. and i didn’t mean the pool per se but just hanging out with friends you know. have a bit of fun!  
Castiel: Like I said, I find reading to be a lot of fun.  
Castiel: And I don’t have that many friends, to be honest.**  
  
For some reason, Castiel’s latest admission made Dean feel a little sad. It didn’t surprise him, in the sense that he could understand that Cas maybe had trouble talking to people, but everyone should have at least one friend to hang out with during the summer. Hell, maybe, if Castiel let him, Dean could be that friend.  
  
 **Dean: can i ask you a personal question? you don’t have to answer but i swear i mean no offense  
Castiel: Sure, what do you want to know?  
Dean: how old are you? i mean, you seem like any other dedicated student but your sentences make you sound like you’ve already seen too much of the world  
Dean: not that I’d mind if you were an old dude or anything**  
  
Like Dean had expected, it took a while for Castiel to respond once more. But seeing as by now he was used to it, he just picked up his copy of Frankenstein again and read until he received a new message.  
  
 **Castiel: I’m 22. Like I said in my email, I’m not very good at formulating casual responses.  
Dean: hah, weird to think you’re actually younger than me! (i'm 24)  
Dean: but it must be tough to have such a hard time with things that come naturally to others. kudos to you for trying!  
Castiel: Thank you. I can assure you, many people do not see it that way, unfortunately.  
Dean: well i don’t mind that you type a bit oldfashioned. if you type like that in essays as well we’re almost guaranteed a good mark haha though i'll never be able to match that! hope you don’t mind doing some editing :P  
Castiel: I’m sure our finished product would be worth at least 80%. I have to go now, Dean. I will talk to you later and good luck with the rest of Frankenstein.  
Dean: later cas!**


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

 

Clinton Hope was founded in 1991 as an initiative to improve the effectiveness of treatment for patients who were in need of intensive care for an extended period of time. The convalescent home was situated just outside of Lawrence, Kansas, and by now almost a second home for Sam and Dean Winchester.  
  
“Hey Dad.”  
  
Dean approached the wheelchair-bound figure, Sam close behind him.  
  
For the last five years, the two brothers had visited Clinton Hope virtually every weekend. At first the visits had been painful and difficult, but now they enjoyed their time at the recovery clinic. The people here were almost always friendly and its location next to the lake in a small state park made for a relaxing atmosphere.  
  
A head was turned and John Winchester smiled at his two sons, always happy to see them. Dean sat down in the chair next to his dad and Sam dragged another one closer to the other two. They were sitting on a wide terrace attached to the building that overlooked the lake and Dean was glad that their father could enjoy a moment of sunshine. Just like every other time they’d been here, the two younger Winchesters started to talk about their week.  
  
Sam started off with his story about last Tuesday, when he was out with Ash and Jo. It was a cheerful story and Dean could see how much his father enjoyed hearing about his son’s antics. All of a sudden he wondered whether or not he should tell John about his failure to graduate. Dean had to admit to himself that he didn’t want to let his father down; he wanted him to be proud, like he was proud of Sammy for graduating high school top of his class a few weeks ago. Furthermore, he really didn’t want to worry the older man. When John Winchester had been first admitted to Clinton Hope they had known long months of worry and debt. The Winchesters hadn’t had the money for the care John needed but after some heavy negotiating Dean had managed to strike a deal – if he went to university and graduate in time, they wouldn’t have to pay the full load for the first few years. Next month they would want to see a lot more money, and Dean hoped to God he would be able to pay the bill by then. That’s why Bobby Singer was such a lucky break – no other employer would want to put up with a new employee like that. Dean needed that money like he needed air.  
  
In the end, Sam’s story was so long and amusing that Dean didn’t have to worry about his own tale. After half an hour it became evident that their socializing exhausted their father, and a pretty nurse came by to wheel him back to bed.  
  
“So how’s he been doing this week?” Dean asked Tara while they walked back to John’s room.  
  
“Pretty well, I must say. Sam’s graduation really cheered him up, and now that you’ve finished school as well a load flew right off him. He’s such a lucky man to have two wonderful sons like that!” Tara gave him a bright smile, and Dean could see how much she meant that.  
  
“Thanks,” he told her, and was glad that he hadn’t told Dad about his catastrophic week. He would just have to make sure to pass this one measly class, and John would never have to find out. All that mattered was that he would be able to stay at Clinton Hope, and be happy.  
  
Just when they were about to enter John’s room, Sam announced he was off to find Brady, a boy he met a few weeks ago and who he got along with pretty well. Dean wasn’t sure why Brady had been admitted to Clinton Hope, but he knew he had become a good friend to Sam and that was all that mattered to him.  
  
Tara helped John into bed, where he fell asleep immediately. Dean looked at the prone body of his father and sighed. The nurse smiled at him, and after a soft _see you later_ she left the room. Dean looked around, intimately familiar with everything within those four walls, and habitually started straightening the few things that cluttered the room. It took him no more than a minute, and after a last look at John, he left the room as well.  
  
Dean made his way back outside and walked towards his favorite tree near the lake. On sunny days, this was one of the best spots to sit and enjoy summer. Knowing in advance he’d have some time to spare, he’d brought his laptop and Frankenstein in his messenger bag. He only had a few more chapters to read so he sat down against the trunk of the tree and opened his book.  
  
It didn’t take him long to finish reading Frankenstein. The end made him sort of sad and he spent some time gazing at the lake, contemplating his thoughts. After ten minutes or so, Sam showed up and dragged Dean’s attention back to the real world.  
  
“Dude, they opened the new wing!” was what his younger brother started with. Dean vaguely recollected the renovation of the library that had been going on for the past few weeks. At the time he hadn’t been that interested, because it wasn’t like their father could read anything more difficult than an ABC book these days.  
  
“And?” he questioned his brother. “Is it any good?”  
  
Sam nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, it’s actually quite impressive. The range is pretty big although they don’t have that many books, obviously, but I think it could make a real difference here. You want to go check it out?”  
  
Dean agreed and stood up to follow his brother back inside. The library was on the other side of the building, next to the closed ward. Dean normally didn’t visit this part of Clinton Hope because thinking about the poor souls locked in there made him feel depressed. It was all voluntary admittance, but still – he didn’t really want to think about young adults so depressed that they felt they couldn’t live on any longer. Dean had never been suicidal himself but he thought that it must be the most awful feeling anyone could ever have.  
   
The new library was donated by a rich couple and was aptly named The Novak Library. Dean guessed the Novaks were the sort of people who gave money to the poor because it made them look good. Still, a new library was a new library and he had to admit it was a nice thing to do. Sam dragged him inside and although it wasn’t nearly as big as any of the libraries Dean was familiar with, it did look a lot better than he’d expected. The main room was filled with stacks and stacks of books and it had an adjoining smaller reading room with comfortable looking couches and lazy chairs. In the corner, a young man with a shock of dark hair was completely engrossed in a thick tome, not noticing the two brothers. Tara the nurse was playing a game on her phone, discreetly keeping an eye on the reading boy. She did see Dean and Sam come in, and smiled at them.  
  
“John just woke up from his nap,” she said. “He’s still pretty tired, though. I’m not sure if he’ll be up to dinner with the two of you, but you can always ask him.”  
  
Dean thanked her and he and Sam made their way back to John’s private room. Their dad was sitting up in bed, looking at the TV screen suspended on the wall opposite. He still looked tired, and Dean figured it’d probably be best if they didn’t stay too much longer. Sam agreed and after they watched the news together the two sons said their goodbyes to John.

 

 

 

 

Sam opened the door to their apartment while Dean carried their newly bought groceries inside. On most Saturdays the two boys would eat at their dad’s, but today Dean decided they should cook together instead. When they were younger they would often dine on takeout alone and especially during his first years of university Dean hadn’t had that much time to cook, though now he often enjoyed it when his schedule allowed. And since Sam had become a bit of a health nut lately and wanted to have input in dinner choices, he didn’t mind cooking together.  
  
Working alongside in their small kitchen, the two Winchesters put together a quick potato oven dish. It had both plenty of meat and vegetables so Dean figured it would be something they’d both enjoy. When it finally went into the oven, Sam grabbed two beers from the fridge and they made their way over to the couch.  
  
“So, how’s your literature project coming along?” Sam asked with genuine interest.  
  
“Alright, I guess. We haven’t done much yet ‘cause I hadn’t read any of the books but the guy I’m working with seems okay. A bit strange, but nothing I can’t handle.” Dean took a swig of his beer, letting the cool liquid cool him from the inside out.  
  
“What’s his name again?”  
  
“Castiel, the poor sod. His last name is Novak though, so he might be Polish or something.”  
  
Sam looked thoughtful. “Novak?” He furrowed his brow, as if the name should mean something to him and he wasn’t sure what. “Oh,” he continued, realizing. “That’s the name of the new library at Hope!”  
  
That didn’t make Dean feel any better. “Great,” he complained. “Maybe he’s some sort of rich kid that had his parents pay off the school so he wouldn’t have to attend.” He rolled his bottle between his hands, hoping the name Novak was slightly more common than he thought.  
  
“I’m sure that’s not the case, Dean,” Sam assured him.  
  
Dean grunted and finally grabbed the remote to turn on the TV.  After zapping through every network twice, he settled on some brainless comedy show and left it on to distract himself until dinner was done.  
  
After their delicious home cooked meal, Dean took refuge in his bedroom where he cleared his desk of old notes. He was planning on getting some work done so he planted his laptop on the table and turned it on. As soon as it was done loading, Dean opened Skype to see if Castiel was online. He wasn’t, but that was okay. Dean felt confident that he would show sooner rather than later; since they chatted for the first time earlier that week they had been talking every single night.  
  
As he wasn’t sure how long he would be waiting for, he gathered his three relevant books and wondered whether he should read some of Paradise Lost or the Bible next. That didn’t take long – he just wasn’t sure whether he’d be able to stomach too much of the Bible. He wasn’t very fond of organized religion, and he figured as it was older than Paradise Lost, that probably meant the language was stuffier as well. At least Frankenstein had somewhat normal English.  
  
It didn’t take too long for Castiel to show up on Skype. Dean mentally thanked God (and how ironic was that) and slipped a bookmark in Paradise Lost. Fucking poetry.  
  
 **Castiel: Hello Dean.  
  
** Dean was somewhat surprised to this. Over the last few days, he had always been the one to instigate the conversation, and now he was secretly pleased. It seemed that Castiel was starting to loosen up a bit.  
  
 **Dean: hey cas! i was waiting for you to come online :)**  
 **Castiel: I hope you hadn’t been waiting too long. I was otherwise occupied and I lost track of time.**  
 **Dean: that’s alright. i managed to read some more which is good**  
 **Castiel: That’s wonderful to hear. Have you finished Frankenstein yet?**  
 **Dean: yeah actually, finished that this afternoon. the weather was nice so when we were visiting my dad i found some time to sit in the sun**  
 **Castiel: Did you like it? Do you think you’ll be able to write on the topic I chose?**  
 **Dean: yeah it was way better than i expected. and i just read some paradise lost as well though i have to admit i'm glad i read frankenstein first coz the creature explains it a lot better haha**  
 **Castiel: It’s alright if you don’t understand everything. It may be unconventional of me to say this but even if you can’t see the deeper meaning it’s quite easy to ‘bullshit’ your way through most literary topics.**  
 **Castiel: Though I would prefer it for our essay to stay professional, obviously.**  
  
Dean actually had to laugh out loud at Castiel’s admission. By now he just assumed Cas wouldn’t even know words like ‘bullshit’, but this proved that the guy he was talking to was just another human being. And Dean really started to like him.  
  
 **Dean: i can do professional ;)**  
 **Dean: it’s actually quite nice coz you can read literature anywhere and then write about it later**  
 **Dean: you don’t need as many facts as in mechanical engineering essays**  
 **Dean: i could never read any of those books outside…**  
 **Castiel: Yes, I do agree that it is a big advantage. Today was just too nice of a day to spend indoors in its entirety. Does your father live closeby?**  
  
Shit, here it was. Now Dean had to start lying to the guy who was quickly becoming a very good friend. He had come clean about why he was taking the literature course, but he knew he couldn’t tell the entire truth. Not because he was embarrassed of his father; not at all. He was damned proud of the man. But he didn’t know Castiel well enough to tell his entire life story. Not yet.  
  
 **Dean: yeah he lives just outside of Lawrence**  
 **Dean: me and sammy visit him every weekend**  
  
Because it took a while for Castiel to respond, Dean dived back into Paradise Lost. When he still hadn’t replied after twenty minutes, Dean started to get worried.  
  
 **Dean: cas, you still there?**  
 **Castiel: Sorry, yes, I’m still here.**  
 **Castiel: I guess I was a bit thrown off guard by what you said.**  
 **Dean: that’s alright. is everything okay?**  
 **Castiel: Yes, it’s just that you seem to have a very good bond with your family.**  
 **Castiel: My parents aren’t exactly the share-and-care type of people.**  
 **Castiel: They think throwing money at me is a proper way of raising me; we haven’t really talked for years.**  
 **Castiel: And now you think I’m some sort of spoiled brat. I should just stop typing shouldn’t I?**  
 **Dean: you worry too much cas. it sucks that your parents won’t talk to you. do you have any other family?**  
 **Castiel: Yes, I used to be very close to my twin brother, Jimmy, but he attends university in Illinois so we don’t see each other that much anymore. However, he is coming to stay in Lawrence for the summer so I’m very much looking forward to that.**  
 **Dean: must be cool to have a twin. are you very alike?**  
 **Castiel: Not really. We look pretty much the same, but apart from that we’re completely different. He’s the outgoing and cool one, I’m the boring social outcast… But we get along really well nonetheless.**  
 **Dean: aw cas you’re not boring! i actually think you’re really cool. i mean yeah it takes a while for you to warm up to people i get that but you seem a lot more confident talking to me now and we haven’t even known each other for a week**  
  
This time, it took ten minutes for Castiel to respond.  
  
 **Castiel: Hearing you say that means so much to me, Dean, more than you could ever know. Thank you.**  
 **Dean: no problem cas, just telling you the truth. next to jimmy, you mentioned a cousin earlier as well didn’t you?**  
 **Castiel: Yes, I have two cousins that I’m somewhat close to. The one I spoke to you about, Gabriel, is a year older than I am and often travels all around the States so I don’t see him that much, although he’s planning to spend some time this summer in Lawrence as well. His sister, Anna, does live here. She’s 27 and is more of a mother figure than my own mother could ever be.**  
 **Dean: at least you have some relatives who care about you then :)**  
  
And for some reason, that set Dean’s heart a bit at ease. When the other man told him his parents didn’t care much for him it pained him, but at least Cas wasn’t entirely on his own. After years of visiting his dad at Clinton Hope he’d seen a lot of people with an anxiety disorder, and those people often ended up in complete isolation. It always made Dean hate how the world just doesn’t accommodate for people with mental issues.  
  
 **Castiel: Going back to the topic of literature; I made a rough outline for a possible essay because I thought that might be helpful to you as you’re not that familiar with the subject. Obviously if you’ve already made your own we can try to see if they match and what we can change.**  
 **Dean: cool! i hadn’t made anything myself yet but i'd love your input**  
 **Castiel: I’ll email it to you in a few. Do you have anything else you wish to discuss tonight?**  
 **Dean: naw, i think i should read some more of paradise lost and then try to find some other helpful stuff in this book i got at the library**  
 **Castiel: Alright. I have to go now; I’ll talk to you tomorrow. Good night, Dean.**  
 **Dean: later cas!**


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

 

It was just over two weeks later when Dean and Castiel ran into a problem. Cas still hadn’t shown up for any of their classes and the next Tuesday they were set to give a short presentation on their topic. Dean thought it was kind of a stupid assignment because none of their class’ essays were anywhere near finished, but their teacher thought it was a good way to give an update on their progress.  
  
The two project partners had been talking online daily and Dean was quite certain that Castiel wasn’t going to make it to their presentation. However, Cas was adamant that he would. It didn’t take them long to come up with a format that worked for the both of them. The plan was that they each had their own paragraphs to explain, and it made Dean nervous to think he’d have to do everything by himself when the time came. In the end, he begged Castiel for his cell phone number so he could pester him when he’d be a no-show.  
  
Turned out, Dean didn’t have to worry in the first place.  
  
He recognized Castiel as soon as he stepped into the classroom on the day of their presentation – simply because he was the only other boy in the entire room. However, he was nothing like he’d expected his new friend to be. He had thought Cas would be awkward and shy, but this young man wasn’t nearly that much of an introvert.  
  
“You must be Dean,” the boy said, approaching Dean with his hand outstretched. Confused, Dean shook his proffered hand.  
  
“And you’re Castiel?” he asked, as if someone was playing a joke on him. Castiel simply smiled.  
  
They sat down next to each other in the back. The desks were taken out of their unusual circular arrangement and were now forming two shabby lines so everyone could see the presenters properly. Dean and Castiel were scheduled to give their talk after two other pairs, which gave Dean some time to mentally rehearse his own speech.  
  
The first presentation was alright, although Dean could clearly see one of the girls hadn’t slept at all that night and was hyped up on caffeine. Apparently, even the people who do lit classes for fun in their summer had better things to do with their time. That was a bit of a relief, actually. The other two girls presenting were boring as hell and after a minute of them droning on Dean zoned out.  
  
They had agreed beforehand that Dean would do the introduction, and Castiel the conclusion. Dean had plenty of charm to keep their audience interested, and Castiel was the one actually knowing what he was talking about. However, after Dean gave him the floor with a dazzling smile, Castiel wasn’t as attentive as he’d expected. Sure, they still aced the presentation, but the way he spoke his conclusion was completely different from the way he’d written it.  
  
Weird.  
  
After their presentation, they still had to wait through a short class discussion before they could get back outside. Dean was actually looking forward to spending some time with Castiel and was mentally preparing himself to ask him to grab some food together. However, when the teacher finally dismissed everyone, Castiel was gone before Dean had even finished packing his bag.  
  
Dean had a very good idea of what the hell was going on.  
  
He left the university building and made his way over to his car. The weather was almost too nice to drive but Dean was never one to walk when he could take his beloved Impala instead.  
  
With the windows rolled down Dean drove out of town, to nowhere in particular. As the fields flew past his window the urge to find out whether his suspicions were true got stronger and stronger, and after a few minutes he gave in. He turned into a dirt path and parked his car next to a cow-filled pasture and got his cell phone out of his pocket. He dialed Castiel’s number.  
  
Dean didn’t expect Cas to answer straight away – when he’d given him his number Castiel had stressed that he preferred to text and only to call when it was an emergency. However, it didn’t take that long for Cas to pick up his phone.  
  
“Hello?” the voice on the other end said, and Dean’s suspicions were confirmed. This voice was so much deeper than the one he had heard not thirty minutes ago.  
  
“Let me guess, I just met Jimmy?” Dean said, his smile evident in his voice.  
  
He was met by silence, then: “I don’t know what to say now.”  
  
Dean felt a great surge of affection for the other man. “It’s alright, Cas. I think I understand why he took your place. I guess I just had to know for sure.”  
  
“Oh, um.” Castiel sounded so uncertain, and Dean remembered that it always took him some time to formulate coherent responses on Skype.  
  
“It’s also alright if you don’t want to talk to me on the phone. I’m sorry I called, I should have realized. Oh, and by the way? I think you’re cooler than Jimmy.”  
  
“I’m don’t—I’m not that good at talking on the phone. But it’s nice to hear your voice? It makes you more real, if that makes any sense. And I don’t think I’m cooler—“  
  
“Yes, you are, Cas. You’re awesome. You’re smart and you’re funny and thoughtful and just really cool, okay? Take it from me.”  
  
“Thank you, that means a lot to me.”  
  
Dean smiled again, and then he heard a muffled voice talking to Castiel. “You gotta go?” he asked.  
  
“Yes, I do. Do you—do you still want to talk on Skype tonight?”  
  
He wasn’t one to hug out his feelings, but he wanted to hug Cas right then and there.  
  
“Of course, Cas. I’ll talk to you tonight.”  
  
“Bye, Dean.”  
  
“Bye.”  
  
Dean put his phone back into his pocket and rubbed his hands over his face. Damn, it seemed Castiel was more of a mess than he’d initially thought. He hoped he was okay. He turned the keys in the ignition and drove straight home.  
  
When he got back he was greeted by the smell of home-made pizza as soon as he opened the door to their flat. Dean kicked off his shoes underneath the coat rack and rounded the corner into the kitchen slash living area to see Sam playing video games with Dean’s best friend Charlie. He hadn’t seen her in a while so this was a very pleasant surprise. The two were sprawled across the couch with plates of half-eaten pizza in front of them on the coffee table and didn’t even look up when Dean came in.  
  
“I would hug the shit out of you right now if it weren’t for the fact that I’m so very close to brutally murdering your little brother,” Charlie said, her brows furrowed in concentration.  
  
“Not little,” was Sam’s only remark.  
  
Dean smiled to himself and went to drop his bag in his bedroom before entering the kitchen to see if they had left him any pizza. He was a big fan of takeout but freshly made pizza was even better. He took a slice from the cooling oven and put it on a plate before grabbing some more beers from the fridge and making his way over to the couch.  
  
“Hah! Finally!” Charlie victoriously threw down her controller on the sofa and jumped up, leaping towards Dean to envelop him in a big hug. Dean grinned and dropped his nose into her hair, clutching Charlie to him tightly.  
  
“Missed you, Char,” he mumbled. “Didn’t think you’d be back until next week.”  
  
It had only been a month, but to Dean it had felt like an eternity. He had met Charlie when they were both first years and they’d become fast friends. Over the last five years, the two had been practically inseparable. When Charlie had been given the opportunity to take on an internship on the other side of the States she’d hesitated, but Dean had convinced her to go for it. In the end she had, but Dean quickly discovered he was missing his friend deeply. Now, though, he was mostly proud of her.  
  
“Wanted to surprise you,” Charlie said, and she released Dean from her death grip. “I just got back from the airport.”  
  
That didn’t surprise Dean. His friend was an orphan with no extended family and she often stressed that the Winchesters were her home.  
  
“I want to know everything, you hear?” Dean teased, because he knew Charlie hadn’t told him everything about her time in New York.  
  
Charlie smiled up at him, looking  like she was dying to share her stories in great detail. “Of course! We have all night to catch up – I couldn’t wait to see you again! You’ve tanned! Your freckles look even cuter now.”  
  
Dean ducked his head and grumbled, causing Charlie to kiss him on the nose.  
  
“Sam told me you made a new friend though,” she continued. “Please tell me you’re not trying to replace me?”  
  
“As if! You’re the only one I need, Charlie.” Dean smiled and moved over to the couch where he started on his pizza. Charlie sat down between him and Sam, interest in her eyes.  
  
“But he’s nice?”  
  
Dean blushed. “Yeah, I really like him. But enough about me! I want to hear all about New York. Who’s the cute blonde girl I saw in your LARP pictures?”

 

 

 

 

Later that evening, when Charlie had gone home after eating more pizza, playing more video games, and catching up, Dean retreated into his bedroom and settled on his bed with his computer on his lap. Castiel was already online, and Dean immediately started a chat.  
  
 **Dean: hey cas**  
 **Dean: i feel really bad about calling you like that this afternoon**  
 **Dean: i still dont know what’s going on but i'm sorry**  
 **Castiel: I think I’m the one who ought to apologize. I would use the excuse that it was Jimmy’s idea, but I know it was wrong of us to try to deceive you like that.**  
 **Castiel: So, I’m sorry.**  
 **Dean: hey don’t worry about that the presentation went alright ;)**  
 **Dean: just wanted to make sure you were alright**  
  
A pause.  
  
 **Castiel: Not really.**  
 **Castiel: I haven’t been alright in a very long time.**  
 **Dean: yeah i figured as much. do you want to talk about it?**  
 **Castiel: I don’t know if I can.**  
 **Dean: you don’t have to if it makes you uncomfortable**  
 **Dean: just, if you want to talk, you can talk to me**  
  
When a few minutes of silence turned into half an hour, Dean started to get worried again.  
  
 **Dean: just forget what i said ok don’t worry about it**  
  
Dean was afraid that he’d scared Castiel off, until Cas finally started typing again.  
  
 **Castiel: I suffer from severe depression and an anxiety disorder and it’s nearly impossible for me to leave the house. At the moment I live in supervised care because I tried to kill myself and I’m still a danger to myself and it’s not exactly something that makes me feel good about myself. I don’t like talking about it but you’ve been nothing but kind to me and I think you deserve the truth. However, the last few weeks I’ve felt slightly better, especially because I started talking to you and I really hope you’ll still want to talk to me after knowing all this.**  
  
Cas’ message came to Dean as a punch in the gut. “Fuck!” he yelled as he threw a book at the wall. After breathing heavily for couple of minutes he realized that Cas probably expected a reply.  
  
 **Dean: cas man i don’t know what to say. i'm really sorry you’re doing that badly and if there’s ever anything i can do to help you out please let me know. you’re a great guy and i hope you know how much i like you man**  
 **Castiel: Oh. I hadn’t expected that.**  
 **Castiel: Thank you, Dean.**  
 **Dean: no worries**  
  
Suddenly, his mind put two and two together.  
  
 **Dean: wait, does that mean your parents are responsible for the novak library?**  
 **Castiel: Yes, how do you know about that?**  
  
Shit, did that mean Dean had to open up to Cas as well? Apart from the few good family friends he and Sam had, Dean never told anyone about their history. However, he felt that he could trust Cas with this.  
  
 **Dean: my dad lives at clinton hope. sammy and i visit him every weekend**  
 **Dean: and as sam loves his books of course he had to drag me into the library when it was first opened earlier this month**  
 **Castiel: Oh. What a coincidence, maybe we’ve seen each other before. My parents sponsored the new library in lieu of payment for me staying there. They don’t want anyone to know that their beloved son is a nut job.**  
 **Dean: jesus that’s terrible!**  
 **Castiel: I don’t expect anything else from my parents, to be honest. Jimmy was always the perfect son; they never knew what to do with me. I’m used to it.**  
 **Dean: that’s not something you’d have to get used to though :/**  
 **Dean: can i ask you a personal question?**  
 **Castiel: Sure.**  
 **Dean: i kinda want us to be friends. can we be friends?**  
 **Castiel: Oh.**  
 **Castiel: Yes, I’d very much like for us to be friends.**


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

 

On the Friday after the presentation, Sam was already gone when Dean got out of bed. It was unusual because Sam normally liked to sleep in when he got the chance but Dean guessed he’d made plans to go out with friends or something. He shoved it out of his mind and didn’t think about it for the rest of the morning. When he got into work, Bobby greeted him with a gruff ‘hello’ which wasn’t unusual for the man.  
  
The past few weeks had been busy for Dean, but he really did enjoy his internship at Singer Solutions. At first he’d thought Victor Henrikson a bit of a dick, but now they actually got along pretty well. Victor was a bit impatient at times but actually really good at showing Dean the ropes and he didn’t mind that the other man kept it entirely professional. Dean didn’t need to make best friends at work anyway.  
  
At 5pm Dean was done with work and he decided to grab some diner food on his way back. It wasn’t until he started thinking about pie for dinner when he was struck by an unexpected hurtful sensation.  
  
 _Fuck_.  
  
How on earth could he have forgotten? No wonder Sam had been gone that morning; Dean never knew exactly what his younger brother did, but it was always the same. Every 2nd of August.  
  
Their mom’s death anniversary.  
  
As in a trance, Dean directed his car to the local florist and bought a small bouquet of flowers, not paying any attention to the flirty smile of the girl behind the register. When he got back in the car he drove straight to the cemetery. He started to get dizzy and it took him a while to realize that he was hyperventilating, his knuckles turning white from his grip on the wheel.  
  
Dean parked the car haphazardly and in a half jog he made his way over to Mary Winchester’s grave stone. When he got there he noticed that Sam had already left her a small flower, and Dean felt sick in his gut that he had forgotten when Sam had remembered. Sam, who didn’t even remember their mom. But Dean did, although every year he felt her slip from his grasp more and more.  
  
With the utmost care Dean placed the bouquet in front of his mother’s gravestone, and he fell down on his knees. He’d never forgotten Mary’s anniversary before. He started hyperventilating again and he numbly fumbled for his cell phone, not noticing who he was dialing until he heard the voice on the other side answering hesitantly.  
  
“Hello?”  
  
“ _Cas_ ,” Dean breathed, and he felt his body shaking with tremors that he couldn’t seem to stop.  
  
“Dean? What’s wrong? Are you hurt?” Cas sounded anxious, but Dean felt so glad to hear his voice at that moment.  
  
“Cas, buddy, I need you,” he said, and he knew how desperate he sounded.  
  
“Of course, Dean. I’m here. What can I do for you?”  
  
“Just—just need to hear your voice.”  
  
“Alright. Okay. Um. Today I listened to some music you’d recommended. Jimmy got me a couple of classic rock albums though he didn’t understand why I wanted them because he knows I only listen to classical music. I like Eric Clapton and Bob Dylan though I enjoy Led Zeppelin as well,” Cas started before going on about how the music differed from what he was used to but similar at the same time. Dean felt a lot better after hearing his friend rambling on about the lyrics and how they were just like poetry and he even managed to put some literary critical analysis in there. After a few minutes, Cas obviously started to get out of things to say, but Dean didn’t mind.  
  
“Thanks, Cas. That actually helped a lot.”  
  
“You’re very welcome. Do you want to talk about what’s troubling you? You don’t have to, of course, but I’ve found that it can be quite helpful sometimes.”  
  
Dean pondered about that for a second. Cas already knew about his dad, so he might as well tell about his mom as well, right?  
  
“Today’s the anniversary of my mom’s death and I completely forgot. I always dread the day weeks in advance but now I was so busy that I didn’t realize it until just now. I feel so terrible. How could I forget my own mother’s death anniversary?” he asked his friend. His voice sounded weak to his own ears and he hated him for feeling so out of sorts.  
  
“Oh, I’m so sorry, Dean. But you have been incredibly busy for the last few weeks; it’s only natural that it slipped your mind. And you remembered eventually, right? I’m sure your mother would know that.”  
  
“Yeah I guess, but—I don’t know. I guess it just hit me really hard. I feel a bit stupid now,” Dean huffed, wiping his free hand across his face. It came away damp. Huh.  
  
“Don’t think that, Dean. You’re a great son. What was her name?”  
  
“Mary. She died in a house fire when I was nine. Sam was only three when she passed so he doesn’t really remember her, but I—I do and every year I remember her less. What if next year I forget altogether? I don’t want to forget my mom, Cas!”  
  
Cas sounded genuinely distressed at Dean’s panic. “You won’t forget her, Dean. She’ll be forever in your heart. Her death’s anniversary is just a date and dates don’t matter. It’s your mother’s memory that counts and even if you can’t exactly remember what she smells like anymore you still remember her and who she was and that will never go away.”  
  
Dean felt tears well up in his eyes again. Goddammit. He knew Cas was right, and he was so glad that his subconscious decided to reach out to his new friend. Normally, Dean was King of Denial, and he never spoke about things like this with Sam or Charlie.  
  
“She really would’ve liked you,” he told Cas, wishing that he actually could’ve introduced Castiel to his mom.  
  
“She sounds like a wonderful woman,” the other boy told him shyly, as if he didn’t really know how to respond to Dean’s confession.  
  
“She really was. Her death was hard on all of us, especially my dad.”  
  
“Is there anything else I can do for you, Dean?” Castiel asked. “Only I’m afraid I don’t really know what to do in these kinds of situations. I’m sorry.”  
  
“You’re doing great, Cas. Thanks, really. I usually don’t talk about things like this but it’s really easy talking to you. You’re the best.”  
  
After talking for a few more minutes, they both hung up and Dean directed his attention back to Mary’s gravestone. He told her about Castiel, and for some reason it felt a bit like he was introducing a girlfriend to his parents (not that he’d ever done that, but still). The cemetery around him was silent, the late-afternoon sun making it seem peaceful and safe. Finally, Dean kissed his fingers and pressed them against the cool marble.  
  
“Talk to you later, mom,” he told the silent stone, and he strolled back to the Impala. Talking to Cas on the phone had really helped him sort himself out, and it was a bit strange. He didn’t even know Castiel that well but somehow he just really liked the guy. He wondered if Cas would be comfortable with meeting in person. He very much wanted to.

 

 

 

 

Dean went to pick up dinner for real this time and made his way back home. When he opened the door to the apartment, he saw that Sam was already there and he was happy to see his younger brother.  
  
“Hope you’re hungry, Sammy! I got us some burgers,” he gleefully told Sam, his previous gloomy mood completely evaporated.  
  
Sam looked up at him from his book, his brows furrowed. “You’re in a good mood,” he stated, confused.  
  
Dean’s smile turned down a notch of two and he shrugged. “Can’t be sad forever,” was all he said, although that statement definitely clashed with how he normally felt.  
  
Apparently, Sam thought that explanation good enough and he approached Dean in the kitchen where he was unloading his grub. He even had a salad for Sam, and Dean noticed that it made the younger boy happy. “You can have your greens once you’ve finished the real food,” Dean teased, and Sam playfully shoved his shoulder.  
  
“Shut up,” he retorted, grinning broadly. The two brothers both piled some food on a plate and they made their way back to the couch. They hardly ever ate at the breakfast bar that separated the kitchen from the living area, preferring to relax in front of the television. Most nights they watched the news and tonight was no exception.  
  
As Dean was finishing up his second burger, he spared a glance at Sam. Just a few more weeks and his brother would be gone forever. At least, that’s what it felt like to Dean. He was so proud of Sam for getting into Stanford on a full ride, but he was going to miss the annoying brat like hell. When Sam looked back at Dean, a question in his eyes, Dean grinned at him around his mouthful of burger. Sam just shook his head and returned his attention to the TV. Just a few more weeks.  
 

 

 

 

   
  
Later that same evening, Dean opened up his laptop out of pure habit by now. Because he and Cas were pretty close to finishing their essay, most days they just chatted about random things. At first Dean hadn’t even noticed that they’d gone from classmates to friends, but it was a happy change.  
  
 **Dean: i hope i didn’t traumatize you this afternoon**  
 **Castiel: Just a little ;) Hope you’re alright now.**  
 **Dean: did you just use a smiley??? i'm shocked! :P but yeah i'm ok now**  
 **Dean: thanks to you, i might add**  
 **Castiel: :P Glad to hear that. I’m sure it’s not all down to me, though.**  
 **Dean: oh, it def is. i would’ve had a massive breakdown in the cemetery if it wasn’t for you**  
  
By now Dean was used to the seemingly random silences Cas sometimes had. He knew it was because Castiel was unsure what to type back and decided not to say anything at all. It had taken a while for Dean to realize this, but he didn’t mind anymore.  
  
 **Dean: am i making you uncomfortable again? sorry about that.**  
 **Castiel: That’s alright. I was just thinking I have absolutely no idea what you look like, which is a bit weird since you’re my best friend.**  
 **Dean: aww, i'm your best friend?**  
 **Dean: i can send you a picture if you like**  
 **Dean: are you and jimmy identical twins?**  
 **Castiel: I would love a picture if you’re not uncomfortable sending me one.**  
 **Castiel: I don’t have one to send back, but yes, Jimmy and I are identical.**  
  
Dean quickly browses his hard drive for the pictures of him and Sam they’d taken a few weeks ago at Sam’s graduation. He looked a bit like an overexcited little kid in most of them, but one of the photographs was actually quite alright.  
  
 **Dean: that’s my brother sammy and me at his graduation**  
 **Castiel: Oh. You’re incredibly good-looking.**  
  
Dean actually had to blush at that.  
  
 **Dean: haha thanks dude. if you look anything like jimmy, you’ve gotta be quite handsome yourself as well ;)**  
  
Oh my God, why did he just add that wink? He didn’t want Castiel to think he was _flirting_ with him. Because he wasn’t. Right?  
  
 **Castiel: Haha. I’ve got to go now. Good night, Dean.**  
 **Dean: night, cas**  
  
But Castiel had already logged out.


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

 

The next two weeks were quite uneventful. Dean went to class, and to work, and visited his dad. The weather stayed nice and he did his best to spend as much time as possible with Sam and their friends. Dean wasn’t the only one who was sad that Sam was leaving; Jo and Charlie were going to miss him too. In a way, Dean was really glad that Ash went to Stanford as well. He might not be the most responsible adult in the world, but Dean knew Ash would look after Sam.  
  
The Saturday two weeks after Dean’s frantic phone call to Cas, he and Sam visited their dad again. The week before that they hadn’t gone because John had been on a weekend trip with some other people living at Clinton Hope, and Dean was glad that they could visit him again today. At first he’d hated visiting John because he had a hard time coping with seeing his father like that, but his dad was doing a lot better now and Dean was glad because of it. Sometimes John would do or say something that reminded him of the old John he knew before Mary had died and Dean treasured those little moments.  
  
They found John once again sitting outside in the shade, enjoying the warm summer day. He seemed happy to see his two sons, and even managed to talk a little about the trip he’d had the previous week. Usually he didn’t say much because it cost him so much effort and it spoke of how much good the trip had done him that he would talk about it. After Sam had told their dad a little about his week he took off, and left Dean alone with John.  
  
For reasons unbeknownst to Dean, he began to tell his father about Cas. Normally he would only talk a bit about Jo and Ash because John actually knew them so it took less energy for him to understand the story, but Dean felt excited about having such a good friend and he needed his dad to know that he was doing alright. John might not say that much anymore, but Dean saw the look he had in his eyes sometimes. He knew Dad worried about him.  
  
While Dean was telling John about how he introduced Castiel to classic rock, his thoughts went to Cas’ living situation. The two of them had agreed not to meet up because it made Cas too nervous and Dean was okay with that, but now Dean wondered if it was possible to run into him around here somewhere. The chances were slim as Cas still lived on the closed ward, but Dean entertained the thought anyway.  
  
At 2pm, just after they’d enjoyed lunch together, an orderly came to wheel John back to his room so he could get some rest. Dean said his goodbyes and wondered where Sam had run off to. Probably the library. He was that much of a nerd to enjoy surrounding himself with books during his summer holidays.  
  
Today there weren’t a lot of people milling around indoors; the weather was simply too nice to stay inside too much. However, there was a small group of women in the library, sorting through a stack of romance novels to take outside to read. Thinking Sam might be in the small reading room, Dean went through to the back.  
  
Like last time he was here, there was a young man with messy hair stuffing his nose in a book in a corner of the room.  
  
Unlike last time, Dean thought he recognized him.  
  
“Cas?” he said, surprised.  
  
The boy looked up with shock visible in his eyes. They were wide and bright blue and absolutely gorgeous. He stared at Dean for a short while, obviously spooked, before recognition dawned on him.  
  
“Dean?” he asked with his brows furrowed.  
  
“I swear I wasn’t looking for you on purpose,” Dean said hastily, not wanting Cas to think he was stalking him. “I thought Sam might be here and then I saw you and I just blurted out your name and if you want me to leave just say so because I know you said you’d be uncomfortable with me—“ “It’s good to see you.”  
  
Huh, what? “Oh,” Dean uttered stupidly. “Yeah, you too.”  
  
Cas smiled up at him and closed his book before putting it to the side. He was wearing loose-fitting jogging pants but he’d try to class them up with a white button-down, and to Dean it just seemed so _Cas_ it made him smile. Castiel got up from his chair and walked the few steps towards Dean, stopping only when they were nearly toe to toe. Normally Dean would’ve uttered a _dude, personal space_ , but he surprisingly didn’t mind having Cas close to him.  
  
“I guess it’s only logical that we ended up running into each other one day,” Castiel said, his eyes flitting about as if he didn’t know whether to stare at Dean or to look at anything that wasn’t Dean.  
  
“Yeah, I guess. Woah. This feels really surreal, for some reason. Like I hadn’t expected you were really real or something.”  
  
Cas smiled again, showing a hint of teeth. “I’m glad you’re really real,” he said, quoting Dean’s ineloquent words back at him.  
  
“Do you maybe want to hang out for a bit?” Dean asked, not wanting to assume that Cas would want anything to do with him now that they’d met face to face.  
  
“Alright,” Cas agreed. “Do you want to stroll around outside for a while?”  
  
The two young men walked back into the sunshine and Dean noticed no-one seemed to be following Cas around this time. He didn’t want to bring it up, but Cas had guessed his thoughts anyway.  
  
“I’m not on suicide watch anymore,” he explained, and Dean felt a pang of sadness for the other boy. “It’s alright if you want to ask me something about it, by the way.”  
  
Dean gave Cas a reassuring smile. “Would talking about it make it better?” he asked him, not wanting to push Castiel. “Or would it make it worse? I don’t want to make you feel bad or anything.”  
  
“It depends on the person I’m talking to. I normally don’t like it, but I’ve found that talking to you feels safe. I trust you, Dean.”  
  
They were walking towards the lake and fell silent, Dean was unsure how to proceed. He didn’t say anything until they both sat down next to the water, and Cas rolled up the sleeves of his shirt. The scars on both of his wrists stood as thin white lines on his pale skin. Dean wanted nothing more than to know why Cas had felt he couldn’t go on any longer, but he couldn’t make himself ask the question. It seemed rude and way too personal, but Cas once again seemed to read his mind and started talking anyway.  
  
“Sometimes, people don’t really need a reason to not want to live. Basically, our moods are dictated by the chemical balance in our brains, and when something is wrong, it is incredibly hard to fix it. I always like to say I was born depressed. Of course I’ve had good days and bad days, but my good days are not nearly good enough to make a difference. It’s incredibly hard to really live when you don’t get anything in return. I know people always say suicide isn’t the answer, but my whole life it’s been something on the foreground in my mind. I thought it would be the easy way out, but as it turns out, it’s not that easy to kill yourself.” At that, Cas laughed mirthlessly at himself.  
  
Dean was absolutely speechless. He knew there wasn’t anything he could say that would make Cas’ situation any better, so he did the only thing he could think of.  
  
He pulled Cas into a hug.  
  
“Oomph!” Cas was obviously not anticipating that tactic. He was stiff in Dean’s embrace, and after a few seconds Dean started to feel really stupid. But then, just as he was about to let Cas go and mutter an apology, Cas’ arms came around Dean’s shoulders and he hugged him back.  
  
“I’m glad you failed, then,” Dean mumbled into Cas’ neck. Castiel huffed, not quite a laugh but getting there.  
  
“At the moment, I’m kind of glad I failed, too.”  
  
Dean let go of his friend to look at his face, and he could see the truth in Castiel’s eyes.  
  
“Meeting you was the best thing that happened to me in a long while, Dean,” Cas said seriously. “I really like talking to you. You make me feel like I’m normal.”  
  
Dean snorted. “Normal is overrated, Cas. I like you just the way you are.” Castiel smiled, and this time he actually looked happy. Cas was the type of guy who smiled with his entire face, showing teeth and eyes crinkled and shining. Dean thought that, at that moment, Castiel looked absolutely beautiful.  
  
They spent the rest of the afternoon sitting at the lake, chatting about nothing in particular and having fun trying to bounce peddles off the surface of the water. After an hour or two Sam joined them, and Dean was happy to learn that Cas and his brother got along really well. They were both geeky and studious so they had loads of interests in common. At one point, the two of them dominated the conversation about a philosopher Dean had never even heard of so he sat back, watching the two younger men talking. Castiel looked carefree and it was a good look on him. When Cas noticed him looking, he blushed and gazed at his knees, shyly rubbing at a grass stain in his jeans.  
  
For the first time, Dean wondered if Castiel was straight. He knew Cas had never really dated anyone but he didn’t know if the other boy had a preference for boys or girls. And normally, Dean didn’t really care. He had never labeled himself straight as such, but he simply had never been attracted to another man before. And it wasn’t really sexual attraction what he felt for Cas, per se. He just knew it was something much more profound than friendship.  
  
He also knew that he was probably too much of a wuss to ever ask Cas how he felt about him.

 

 

 

 

When Sam and Dean finally got back home, it was way later than they normally made it on a Saturday. They’d said their goodbyes to Cas before having dinner with John, and afterwards they stayed to play a game of cards. When the two brothers got in it was nearing 9pm and Dean wondered if Castiel would still be online after them having talked for most of the afternoon. However, Sam said he was going to work on something in his room so Dean decided to check Skype anyway.  
  
Castiel was already online, and just seeing his name made Dean smile. His lips spread into a full grin when Cas immediately greeted him when he set his status to ‘online’.  
  
 **Castiel: Dean :D**  
 **Dean: hey!!**  
 **Castiel: I was a bit afraid you wouldn’t come online.**  
 **Dean: why wouldn’t i?**  
 **Castiel: I thought I might’ve scared you off after this afternoon.**  
 **Dean: no way! it was great talking to you**  
 **Dean: you’re even more awesome in person :D**  
 **Castiel: Oh. Wow. I had not expected that. But you’re even nicer in real life too.**  
 **Dean: hey, i meant what i said earlier. i care about you and i think you’re amazing for being able to handle so much shit**  
 **Castiel: Hah, I’m not handling it particularly well. And for most people that’s kind of a deal-breaker.**  
 **Dean: well, i guess i'm not most people then**  
 **Castiel: I’m glad :)**  
 **Dean: me too**


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

 

The following week was quite uneventful. Sam was out a lot with some old high school friends, making the most of the time they had left together, so Dean spent most of his time at work. He was settling in really well at Singer Solutions, and now that Henriksen had left the company he was busier than ever. Apart from the Tuesday class of his summer course, Dean hardly spent any time thinking about English literature, which is why Cas’ suggestion came as a bit of a shock.  
  
“Study?” Dean asked over the phone, wondering what the hell Cas was going on about. It was only the second ever phone call they’d ever and although Dean wasn’t too surprised when he saw Castiel’s name lighting up on his cell – they’d just gotten an email from their teacher telling them they’d earned an 8.7 out of 10 on their literature essay – he hadn’t expected the call to last more than a minute.  
  
“Yes, study. Us. Together. You do know that our Literature exam is next week, right?”  
  
Dean definitely did not know that. “There’s an exam? What?” He frantically ran back into his room and searched for his course outline. When he finally had it, the memory of having one final test came back to him and he groaned.  
  
Cas chuckled through the phone. “Yes. So, I was wondering, if, maybe, you wanted to, this Saturday, if you’ve got the time—“ Cas mumbled on for a bit longer, before Dean took pity on him.  
  
“You wanna study together, Cas?” he asked, and he heard Castiel’s sharp intake of breath.  
  
“Butonlyifyouwanna,” Cas whispered.  
  
“Of course I want to, that’d be awesome. I’m guessing Saturdays are your visiting days, as well?”  
  
“Yeah. I know you always visit your father but I thought that maybe if you do happen to have some more time—“ “I’ll see you Saturday, then.” Dean couldn’t help but sound a bit smug.  
  
They set a time for the two of them to meet and Dean hung up the phone with a satisfied feeling. If he could get Cas to call him to make a study date, that surely had to mean that the other boy liked him well enough to spend more time with him. For the first time in his life, Dean Winchester was actually looking forward to studying.

 

 

 

  
  
Of course, when Dean told Sam of his plans the next Saturday, the younger Winchester had to laugh for a solid half hour to get it out of his system. It wasn’t until both of them entered the Impala and Dean started the ignition, that Sam put on his serious face.  
  
“Is Castiel your boyfriend?” he asked.  
  
As a result, Dean actually managed to misfire the car. On the second attempt it roared to life, and he steered his baby onto the road.  
  
“No, what? Of course not,” he finally answered gruffly.  
  
“Only, it’s okay if he is, you know. I won’t mind,” Sam said, all seriousness.  
  
“I know you won’t, Sammy. But it’s—he’s—it’s complicated, I guess. I like him more than _hey I want to have sex with you_. Because that’s what I had with all the girls I’ve dated. Not that I want to have sex with Cas. Or, at least, I don’t think so. Maybe. I probably wouldn’t say ‘no’. But, I—I actually _care_ about him, Sam! What the hell is up with that?”  
  
Sam’s smile was a soft one, an understanding one. “Not everything has to be about sex, you know,” he told his older brother.  
  
Dean huffed. “I know that. It’s just a lot more simple when everything _is_ about sex.”  
  
“Does Cas know how you feel?”  
  
“Nah, we’re not quite _that_ bad. And before you ask – no, I don’t know how he feels about me, either. Can we now stop it with the chick flick moment?”  
  
Sam put on a milder version of his twenty-third bitchface and the rest of the car drive was made in silence only broken by the soothing tones of classic rock coming from the Impala’s outdated sound system.

 

 

 

  
  
Dean had been twitching at John’s side for not even twenty minutes before Sam dismissed him.  
  
“Just go find Cas, man. I’ll stay with Dad. Have fun!” The annoying brat bodily pushed Dean in the direction of the library, and Dean said a quick bye before striding off.  
  
Hold on. Was he actually looking forward to a _study session_? Dean shook himself and tried to slow down to a normal pace, but his legs just kept on going. When he finally entered the library he’d proceeded to a light jog and wasn’t that weird? However, everything felt alright when Castiel looked up at him as soon as he entered the reading room.  
  
“Dean!” his friend exclaimed, his blue eyes shining brightly. “I’m so happy you made it.”  
  
Dean approached the small table Cas was sitting at, books cluttering the surface in front of him. “Of course. After all, this is my last chance to experience what it’s like to actually study with someone else,” he said with a small wink.  
  
Cas looked surprised. “You’ve never studied with anyone before?” he asked surprised. “Why not?”  
  
Sitting down in the chair next to his friend, Dean looked away. “Dunno, I guess my only good friend at uni, Charlie, wasn’t in the same program and she’s too smart to study much anyway.”  
  
“But what about classmates? Surely they’d have loved to study with you?”  
  
“I guess they tried to invite me a few times during my first year, but I never really had the time. I was always working when I wasn’t in class, and after a while they just stopped asking.”  
  
“Oh. Wow. I always imagined you to be a pretty popular guy. I’m glad you’re breaking your rule about not studying with others for me, though. Should I feel special?” Cas teased, and it made Dean smile to see how comfortable Cas was with him now.  
  
“Damn right you should feel special!” Dean laughed, and for a moment the two just grinned at each other.  
  
“I didn’t know you worked that much before as well, though. That must’ve been hard,” Cas said, serious again.  
  
“Yeah, but someone has to earn the money, right? ‘s Not like Sammy could’ve taken on a job. Guy needed to focus on school.” Dean shifted in his seat, feeling uncomfortable. Even after Castiel shared his entire personal history, Dean had been silent about most of his own past. Sure, Cas knew his mom was dead and that his dad lived in permanent care, but Dean had never given any specifics.  
  
Apparently Cas knew him so well by now that he could see Dean was feeling uneasy. “It’s alright that you don’t like talking about your past, you know,” he assured his friend.  
  
“Yeah, I know. It’s just, I feel like you deserve to know everything. I _want_ you to know everything. I just can’t really talk about it, I guess.” Dean shrugged his shoulders and directed his gaze towards the window. After a moment of silence, he felt Cas’ hand on his arm.  
  
“Nonetheless, I’ll be here if you need someone to talk to. It’s not like I’ll be going anywhere,” Cas said, trying to comfort Dean.  
  
“That’s the point though, isn’t it? No-one here will be going anywhere anytime soon. My dad’s been here for five years now, and sure, he’s had some progress, but he’ll never be the old John he used to be.” Dean felt as if the floodgates had opened, and he couldn’t stop talking. “When my mom died in that fire, Dad completely lost it. He had two young kids but somehow we just weren’t enough for him. He had to make sure no-one else ever lost their wife or mother to a fire ever again. Before her death, Dad had been a mechanic. But immediately after, he was set on becoming a firefighter. The training was brutal and he didn’t have much time to look after Sammy and me. I practically raised the kid when Mom wasn’t around anymore. Anyway, it was a hard time on all of us, but slowly we got something of a life back.  
  
“When I was sixteen, he suddenly disappeared on us. We didn’t hear from him for a week, until he left a voicemail message saying he had a lead on the guy that burned our house down. It was insane, because the fire my mom died in was caused by faulty wiring that Dad had meant to fix. He was so fixated on there being a murderer because he couldn’t face the fact that it might have been partially his fault that Mom died.  
  
“He was away for over a year. I had to drop out of high school and get a job because we quickly ran out of money to buy food and pay the rent. Dad didn’t return until it was getting close to Mary’s death anniversary. I never found out exactly what he’d been doing and what made him return, but at that point I was just glad that he was back. I went back to school and Dad went back to being a firefighter, but it wasn’t the same as before he’d left. Dad was even more focused on saving people than before, and he started taking serious risks.  
  
“In my senior year, everything went awry. Dad had run back into a fiery building because he thought he’d heard screams and no-one had been able to stop him. The building collapsed on him, and although it eradicated the immediate threat of burning to death, there was too much smoke and he was caught underneath a beam. He was brain dead for a few minutes before they were able to rescue him, and the lack of oxygen to his brain seriously damaged him. At first he was mostly comatose, but when he slowly started to wake up it became clear that he’d lost a lot of abilities due to brain damage.  
  
“He stayed in the hospital for a couple of months, before being transferred to some cheap care center. That place was horrible for him. Sure, they got him fed and bathed on a regular basis, but there was next to no rehabilitation. Which is when I made a deal with Clinton Hope. If I would go to university to get a good degree and afterwards a good job, they’d let John stay there without me having to pay everything at once. It was still too expensive to afford, realistically, but I made do.  
  
“But a deal is a deal, so if I don’t graduate before September I’m fucked. So we better study hard, Cas.”  
  
Castiel’s face was grave, and Dean didn’t like it. He was actually a bit out of breath after talking for so long, and he couldn’t meet his friend’s gaze.  
  
“Dean.” Cas said his name with so much reverence that Dean’s eyes automatically snapped to Cas’. Then, before he knew it, Cas was hugging Dean with all his strength.  
  
“You are the most amazing human being I’ve ever had the pleasure of meeting,” Cas said, his voice deep and raspy. Dean thought he felt Cas press a kiss onto his hair, and when Cas released him again he was blushing deeply, as if he hadn’t meant to do that.  
  
“Can we go study now?” Dean asked, feeling too raw and emotional to talk about anything else for a while.  
  
“Of course,” Cas agreed, and he pulled some books towards them. Dean gratefully grabbed one, and without knowing what exactly he had to study, he started reading anyway.  
  
Studying with Cas turned out to be a lot of fun. It wasn’t all laughs and giggles, of course. Castiel was serious about his academic pursuits and he didn’t let Dean slack off too much. But between reading passages of various works of fiction and their accompanying critical essays, the two students joked around and told each other stories. At one point, they even performed part of Waiting for Godot just because they could. Cas started out quite grave, but after Dean gave his character a funny voice, Cas loosened up a little as well.  
  
Dean thought it was hilarious.

 

 

 

  
  
On the morning of their exam, Castiel sent Dean a text to say that he wouldn’t be attending class. He’d arranged with the teacher that he would come in to take the test if he felt up to it, but that it wouldn’t be a disaster if he didn’t; she would send a second exam to Cas so he could take it at home. Dean was disappointed that he wouldn’t see his friend that day, but mostly he was worried that Cas would take it as a personal failure, so he send an encouraging text back.  
  
The exam itself was a lot harder than Dean was used to. Not that any of his engineering tests had ever been easy, but at least that was all factual. He’d had to remember a lot of dates and names for the literature exam, but the questions themselves were mostly subjective. Giving an opinion on stuff that was written hundreds of years ago was kind of hard, Dean thought, because how was he supposed to know what the author had intended with his words? However, drawing parallels was something he could do after his study session with Cas. When he finished writing his last answer, he was incredibly glad that Castiel had insisted on studying together. There were some things he deliberately stayed vague on because he wasn’t sure what direction to take, but overall he had a good feeling about the exam.  
  
 _Graduation, here I come._  
  
As soon as Dean got home, he opened his laptop and checked to see if Cas was online. He didn’t even bother taking off his boots and just dropped down on the couch in the living room. Sam was out, so it wasn’t like he’d be disturbed anyway.  
  
 **Dean: cas! you’re amazing! i think i definitely passed that exam! i owe you forever! i could kiss you right now!**  
  
Okay, so maybe he was a bit overexcited.  
  
 **Dean: oh, are you alright btw? did u get to make the test at home?**  
 **Castiel: Congratulations! I’m so happy for you right now. Do you know when you’ll get your grade? (And I’m alright, just not alright enough to make it outside. Story of my life.)**  
 **Dean: prof said she’d have it before the end of the week so i can graduate on time :) and don’t worry, one day you’ll make it to class. i'm here for you, always. i'll even drive you to school every day if you want me to**  
 **Castiel: You’re too kind, Dean. I’m so lucky to have met you.**  
 **Dean: pretty sure it’s the other way around, cas**  



	7. Chapter 7

 

 

 

Dean had done it. He’d actually gone and done it. Graduated from university, with a pretty impressive GPA to boot. His actual private graduation ceremony was scheduled for the Friday a week and a half after his final exam, which meant that there was one problem.  
  
Sam wouldn’t be able to attend his graduation.  
  
His younger brother would be leaving for Stanford the Friday before the first week of September – exactly one week too early –  so he’d have the weekend to settle in.  
  
That Friday was today.  
  
Even though the Impala was filled with people, the hour drive to Kansas City International Airport was a quiet one. Dean was glad Jo, Ash, and Charlie had insisted on accompanying the two brothers to the airport, because that meant Sam was less likely notice that Dean was a complete mess. Ash had even gone as far as making sure he was on the same flight as Sam, so the younger boy would have someone to lean on once he got to the west coast. Dean was eternally grateful to Ash for making that suggestion and he hoped Ash and Sam would continue to hang out at Stanford. He knew the eccentric computer hacker had a bunch of weird friends, but they were all harmless, and Sam would fit right in.  
  
When they arrived, Sam and Ash still had almost half an hour before they had to go check in, so the five of them commandeered a table at Burger King and ordered lunch. Sam was the only one who didn’t eat – he didn’t even want his usual salad and just ordered a coffee. Now that Dean thought about it, he did look a bit green.  
  
“You’re not nervous about flying, are you, Sammy?” Dean asked in jest, poking his brother with a salty fry.  
  
“No. It’s just—this is supposed to be the start of a new life. What if I screw it up?” Sam looked anxiously around, as if fate was listening in.  
  
“You can’t even screw anything up when you try to,” Jo piped in, munching on her burger.  
  
“Hah, thanks,” Sam said. “I’m really gonna miss you guys, though.”  
  
“Well, we can’t all go to fancy universities,” Dean said drily. It didn’t really help to brighten the mood.  
  
“God, Dean! Please can we not have this argument again?” Sam pulled one of his bitchfaces, and he even went as far as stealing some of Dean’s fries.  
  
“I know, I’m sorry. Just wishing I could’ve come with you, is all,” Dean said apologetically.  
  
“Yeah. Because you can’t abandon Dad.” “Sam—“ “That’s what I’m doing, isn’t it? Abandoning you and Dad? Flying off into the sunset—“ “Sam! Shut up. I’m proud of you and I know Dad is, too. We’ll miss your stupid face but I know this is the chance you’ve always wanted to get. Don’t ruin it.”  
  
At this point, the other three at their table were politely facing somewhere else, pretending like they weren’t actually there so the two brothers could have their conversation.  
  
“I’ll be back before you know it, Dean,” Sam promised.  
  
“Yeah, I know you will be, Sammy. I’ll hunt you down if you miss Christmas, though! I don’t want to break that tradition just yet.” Dean was serious, too. He wouldn’t know what to do if he’d be alone at Christmas.  
  
“Jerk,” was all Sam said.  
  
“Bitch,” was Dean’s reply.

 

 

 

  
  
The rest of the day was a bit of a blur. Sam and Ash got on the plane, Jo and Charlie cried, and Dean got shitfaced drunk. Jo had suggested going to a bar but Dean had wanted to stay in, so the three of them picked up some booze and snacks on the way back from the airport and had their little pity party at Dean’s (and how empty did that sound – it had been Sam-and-Dean’s for so many years) apartment. Although he would’ve liked to be alone, Dean was actually quite glad that Charlie and Jo insisted on tagging along because otherwise he’d have drunk twice as much and ended up calling Cas or something. He probably would’ve cried over the phone and then his embarrassment would be even worse than it was now.  
  
Because he still cried when he got drunk now, but neither Charlie nor Jo made fun of him. At least, not to his face.  
  
The two girls didn’t leave until the next morning and because it was a Saturday Dean went to visit his dad all by himself. He’d done that before, obviously – it wasn’t like Sam had never skipped on visit-Dad-day before, but this Saturday would be the first of many Saturdays in a row that Dean would be visiting his father all by himself. To make matters even worse, he knew Castiel wouldn’t be there because this was the first weekend he’d actually made it home. Well, not home as in with his parents, but home as in outside of Clinton Hope and with his family. Dean knew Cas’ cousin Anna lived in Lawrence, and he was glad that Cas did have some family nearby.

 

 

 

  
  
The day of his graduation started nothing like Dean might’ve imagined when he started university. He woke up alone, left the house alone, and picked a seat not too close to the family of a few of his cheery classmates. He knew Sam wouldn’t be there; he was having a great first week at Stanford, along with Ash. He knew Dad wouldn’t be there, for he was shackled to a bloody nursing home. A few days before his graduation, Dean had had a small celebration with Charlie and Jo, because Jo was spending her last week of holiday at her mom’s in Nebraska, and Charlie had gotten a permanent position at the same place she did her internship – back in New York. Dean had been surprised at that because he hadn’t thought Charlie would want to leave him permanently, but it turned out that the blonde girl she’d met at the NYC LARPing event had wanted to stay in touch and Charlie was very much looking forward to finding out where that’d lead. Dean had to admit he liked Gilda, though, and he’d made the two girls promise they’d Skype often.  
  
Anyway, somehow, Dean had ended up all by himself.  
  
Professor Hamilton, head of the engineering department, started talking about how all students present had managed to achieve wonderful things and blah blah blah. Dean might’ve tuned him out after a few minutes. He was examining his fellow students. There were just six of them, altogether, and it was obvious that Dean was the only one without his family and friends to support him. One of the others looked at him with pity in her eyes, like Dean didn’t have anyone who would want to come to such an event. Well, screw her. Dean had plenty of friends, they just didn’t have the time. And although he knew that, he still felt really lonely.  
  
Which is when something truly remarkable happened.  
  
In the back of the room, a door opened, and a face with two bright blue eyes peered in. Dean’s heart picked up in speed and he sat up, not believing his eyes. But then, the boy was pushed in by an almost identical boy, and Dean knew that what he was seeing was real.  
  
Cas was here.  
  
Castiel, with an anxiety disorder so fierce he hadn’t left the house in months – not counting last week’s excursion to Anna’s – was attending his best friend’s graduation ceremony.  
  
The smile Dean gave him was blinding, and he felt almost strangely happy. Cas’ searching gaze found his, and although he looked very scared, he gave Dean a small smile.  
  
The two twins were accompanied by a pretty girl that looked to be about twenty, and a short guy that was probably around the same age as Dean. The four of them sat down with the rest of the families, and Dean felt a lot more certain now.  
  
Hamilton talked for a few more minutes and then he started handing out the diplomas. Winchester, Dean, was last on the list, so he patiently waited until he was called forward. It didn’t take that long anyway, it was only a handshake-and-signature kind of deal and couldn’t take more than a minute at a time.  
  
When Dean was handed the document that told the world that he had finished his – double major, fuck yeah – undergraduate degree, he felt like his face was splitting in half. He held his diploma like it was a valuable gem, and he looked up at the small crowd. It only took him a split second to find Cas, and the other boy looked so proud that Dean couldn’t help but feel a little proud as well.  
  
While the other students waited around a little longer to chat, Dean immediately strode towards Castiel and his family. He stopped before his best friend, and the two of them stood before each other for a while, stupidly grinning at each other, before Jimmy gave his twin a push and Cas ended up hugging Dean tightly to his chest.  
  
“You’re here,” Dean stated hoarsely.  
  
“Of course. Congratulations, Dean,” Cas said, and he sounded a bit like he was trying very hard not to cry. Dean hugged him even tighter for another second before letting him go.  
  
“You know Jimmy,” Cas said, pointing at his brother, before introducing the other two. “Jimmy’s girlfriend, Amelia, and our annoying cousin, Gabriel. I did not invite him, but he insisted on coming anyway.”  
  
“Congrats, Dean-o!” Gabriel said, punching him in the arm. Hard. “Cassie’s so proud of you, he hasn’t shut up about your graduation for at least two weeks now.” He loomed closer to Dean, trying to appear intimidating. It didn’t really work, as Dean was at least a head taller than the other boy. “Hurt him and your body will never be found,” he threatened.  
  
Dean laughed, but he didn’t actually think Gabriel was kidding. Amelia, at least, seemed a lot nicer.  
  
“Congratulations, Dean!” she said, linking her arm with Jimmy. “It was a really nice ceremony.”  
  
Dean told her thanks, and he turned back to Cas. “You want to grab a bite to eat?” he asked, wanting to spend as much time as possible with his friend now that he was in the outside world.  
  
Cas looked a bit embarrassed. “Actually, my cousin Anna insisted I invite you over to dinner at her place.”  
  
The grin was back on Dean’s face. “Sounds perfect!”  
  
The five of them made their way to the parking lot, where Jimmy, Amelia, and Gabriel piled into Jimmy’s expensive-looking sedan, and Cas slipped into the passenger seat of the Impala. Dean decided that he looked good there. Very good.  
  
The drive to Anna’s house wasn’t a long one. Dean had imagined the Novak family to be quite wealthy, but Anna’s place was more of a mansion than anything else. It was situated at the end of a lane, on a small hill overlooking a tiny lake and some fields. The pillars in front of the entryway made it look quite stately, and Dean felt quite out of place already, in his best jeans and simple but clean button-down. The house even came with a miniature circular driveway, and how was that even fair?  
  
When Dean had turned off the ignition of his Baby and stepped out of the car, he saw a sixth person had joined their merry gang. Anna looked to be in her late twenties and had long, bright red flowing hair and an even more dazzling smile.  
  
“Dean,” she said warmly as she stepped towards him. Dean made to shake her hand, but she embraced him instead. She smelled like apple pie.  
  
“It’s so great to finally meet you, and congratulations on graduating. Castiel told me you didn’t have any other plans for today and suggested we all have dinner here, and I couldn’t agree more.”  
  
“Thanks. And nice to meet you too,” Dean said, feeling a bit awkward. Normally he would’ve said that Anna was smoking hot, but next to Cas she felt more like a sister.  
  
The young woman invited everyone inside her home, and Dean did his best to not let his eyes bug out. The interior was just as grandiose as outside, though the furniture itself was homey and comfortable-looking. Anna excused herself to go check up on dinner, and Cas offered Dean to show him around.  
  
On the ground floor, the kitchen and den seemed most lived-in. There was a formal dining room, and though the table was laid at the moment, it didn’t look like it was used much. The living room had a beautiful fireplace and large glass windows that looked out on the green hills behind the house. There was even an honest-to-God library, and Dean thought with a pang of sadness that Sam would love to live there.  
  
The second and third floor were mostly bedrooms, though Cas called them ‘apartments’ as they all had their own bathroom and most had a separate sitting room as well. When Castiel showed Dean his own room, the one at the end of the hall on the third floor, Dean was surprised to see it was a lot more cluttered than he’d expected. It was quite big, but more book cases than Dean would’ve thought possible were crammed into the space and stacks of books took up almost every available surface. The walls were covered in poster prints of Cas’ favorite artworks, and there was even an easel next to one of the windows.  
  
“I didn’t know you could paint,” was the only thing Dean remarked, sounding surprised.  
  
Castiel blushed and ducked his head. “I can’t, not really. It’s just a way to express myself, one of the things I’ve learned from years of therapy.”  
  
Dean was curious nonetheless. “What kind of art do you do?” he asked, hoping he wasn’t overstepping bounds.  
  
“It’s all abstract, mostly. I like playing with colors and shapes. Wait—I can show you some of my—where is it—“  
  
Castiel started rooting around in a stack of canvas boards that were piled against one wall until he returned with the one he’d been looking for. The image he showed Dean was done in bright red and pinks on a white background, and made Dean think of fallen angels.  
  
“It’s beautiful, Cas,” he said, his voice soft sincere.  
  
Castiel blushed again. “Thanks,” he muttered. Before Dean could ask to see more of his work, Gabriel yelled – obnoxiously loud from downstairs – that dinner was ready.  
  
The two young men made their way back to the kitchen, where Cas got the both of them drinks. Anna was in the process of getting a tray of baked potatoes out of the oven, and they followed her into the dining room.  
  
The table easily seated eight people but as they only were with six, the two chairs at both ends were unused. On one end on the table, Jimmy and Amelia were sitting close together, whispering to each other, while, across from them, Gabriel was already piling his plate with food. When Anna, Cas, and Dean entered the room, Jimmy smiled at his brother when he sat across from him, next to Gabriel. Dean took the spot on the other side of Cas and Anna took the chair next to Jimmy.  
  
To Dean’s relief, nobody insisted on saying grace so they all started to pass around trays of food. It almost looked like a Thanksgiving dinner; there were so many different pots, pans, and bowls, that Dean decided to try a little bit of everything.  
  
“Make sure to leave some room for desert,” Anna told Dean with a wink.  
  
“She makes a mean pie,” Cas said grinning, knowing that this would please his friend.  
  
The first few minutes of dinner were filled with joyful and easy banter, but when everyone had almost emptied their plates, Jimmy said that he had an announcement to make.  
  
“We weren’t sure of when the right time would be, but seeing as Dean already feels like family to me and Amelia, we’re just going to do it now.”  
  
Everyone at the table was silent, waiting for Jimmy to speak. Cas’ twin cleared his throat, shrugged as if to say, _to hell with it_ , and just threw it out.  
  
“We’re pregnant.”  
  
The silence held, until Gabriel let out a loud snort. “I didn’t know you were that much of a girl that you actually grew a womb, Jim,” he said laughing.  
  
“He obviously means me, dumbass,” Amelia said exasperated, seemingly used to Gabriel’s antics.  
  
Anna quickly offered her heartfelt congratulations, but when Dean looked to Cas he saw that his friend seemed taken aback.  
  
“You planned to get pregnant at 20?” he asked Amelia, astonished.  
  
“It was a happy accident,” she grinned at him.  
  
“Woah, Cas, no need to be rude,” Dean said, surprised by Castiel’s question. Only after Dean’s exclamation seemed Cas to realize what he said.  
  
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t mean it like that! Just, wow. Do mother and father know?” he explained himself.  
  
Jimmy shrugged sheepishly. “Not yet, but what shock that will be. They’ll be so disappointed!”  
  
The father-to-be clearly didn’t give a fuck.  
  
“So, Cas,” he concluded gleefully. “Now you’re not the only fuckup our parents wished they’d never had!”  
  
At that, everyone in the room burst out in laughter.  
  
“Yeah, and Cas, you even get brownie points in that respect. ‘s Not like you’ll ever get anyone pregnant!” Gabriel chortled, pleased with himself.  
  
“What?” Dean asked stupidly, the laughter subsiding. “Why not?”  
  
“Because our dear Cassie here is _asexual_ , of course!” Gabriel stage whispered.  
  
“What?” Dean asked again.  
  
“And he’s a virgin, so he wouldn’t even know where to stick it if he wanted to!”  
  
“Gabriel!” Cas hissed, blushing, but Anna interrupted before he could continue.  
  
“Gabe, would you please do us the favor of _shutting the hell up_?” she said, using a voice that meant business.  
  
Dean uncomfortably scratched his neck, not really sure what Gabriel was getting at.  
  
“Just letting our Dean-o here know! Would be sad if he had an enormous crush on our Cas. Best to help him out of that dream prematurely.” For that, Jimmy actually reached over the table and whacked Gabriel on the head. Cas mainly looked mortified, and Dean tried to smile at him in a reassuring manner.  
  
“Pie, anyone?”

 

 

 

  
  
After the best homemade pecan apple pie Dean had ever tasted, their small group separated; Amelia and Jimmy went on to do the dishes and Anna and Gabe wanted to watch the news on the large screen in the den.  
  
Cas dragged Dean back upstairs, so they could spend the evening with just the two of them. Dean suggested they watch a movie and after going through Castiel’s somewhat limited DVD collection they settled on a comedic zombie flick.  
  
The large flatscreen TV was mounted opposite the queen sized bed, so both men put the drinks they brought from downstairs on the bedside table and they sat down next to each other against the headboard. The movie started playing immediately, but instead of turning the volume up Cas turned to Dean.  
  
“I’m sorry about Gabriel, earlier. During dinner. He can be a bit of an ass. Even if he’s right,” Cas told his best friend, smiling sadly.  
  
“Don’t worry about it,” Dean said. “Can I just ask, though?”  
  
“What?”  
  
“What does that mean? What Gabriel said?”  
  
“That I’m asexual?”  
  
“Yeah. Unless you don’t want to talk about it.”  
  
“It means I don’t experience sexual attraction. At all.”  
  
“Never?  
  
 Cas shook his head.  
  
“Oh. Okay.”  
  
“Okay?”  
  
“Yeah. I mean, I don’t know if I really get it, but I’m not one to judge. Not when it comes to things like that.” And Dean meant it, too.  
  
Castiel smiled, looking relieved. “You’re not even going to tell me I just haven’t met the right person?” he asked, and although he was still smiling, Dean could tell it was a painful subject for him.  
  
“Nope. I don’t care that you’re a virgin, and if you’ve never met anyone you wanted to have sex with, I’d say keep it that way. To be honest, empty sex isn’t as satisfactory as some people make it out to be,” Dean said with a sigh.  
  
“Well, at least you don’t have an, what did Gabe say? Enormous crush on me?”  
  
Dean’s face turned scarlet.  
  
“Dean?”  
  
“I don’t—I mean—I don’t really know, okay? I just really like you, Cas. Really, really like you. But I swear I don’t want to have sex with you! Not if you don’t want to. Crap, I mean—”  
  
Cas laughed. He actually looked a bit relieved. “I really, really like you too, Dean.”  
  
Feeling somewhat embarrassed, Dean turned his attention to the television. He’d seen the movie before, but as it was one of his favorites he tried to focus on it anyway. The two eagerly followed the plot until about halfway through, where the loud gunshots made Cas startle.  
  
“I must have dozed off,” he laughed, wiping his eyes. “Today’s been quite stressful; I’m just not used to going out anymore. I hate being tired all the time.”  
  
Dean turned to his friend, noticing for the first time how exhausted he looked. “Shit, Cas! You should’ve said something. Do you want to go to sleep? I can leave, if you want. I promise I won’t mind.”  
  
Castiel blushed and looked at his lap. “I kinda don’t want you to leave,” he murmured softly. It left Dean feeling a bit unsure, so he did the first thing that came to him and slung his arm around Castiel’s back, pulling Cas’ head towards his shoulder.  
  
“You just make yourself comfortable,” Dean said, pointedly not looking at Cas. He grabbed the remote for the TV and turned the volume a bit down, so it wouldn’t bother Cas when he’d doze off again. Castiel smiled into his shoulder and shuffled closer. Dean didn’t notice his friend had fallen fast asleep until the movie ended. For a few minutes Dean pondered just staying like this for the night, but then he noticed his legs were itching because he was still wearing his jeans and he really had to go to the bathroom. He carefully shook Cas awake. Castiel just muttered, but when he opened his eyes he quickly sat up.  
  
“Sorry, again,” he muttered.  
  
“No worries,” Dean assured him. “Just thought you might be more comfortable wearing pajamas or something.”  
  
“Oh. Right. I’ll get something for you to wear as well,” Cas said while making his way over to the wardrobe next to the door. He shuffled around a stack of clothes for a bit before coming up with a pair of plaid pajama pants and a dark grey t-shirt that said _ALL HAIL THE GLOW CLOUD_. Dean raised his eyebrows at that, but Castiel just shrugged.  
  
“You can change in the bathroom, if you want,” Cas continued, pointing to the door to his en suite. “There’s a spare toothbrush in the cabinet.”  
  
Dean nodded his thanks and took the bundle of clothes into the small bathroom. It was fairly simple, just a toilet and sink and a spacious shower. After taking a piss and brushing his teeth he changed into the clothes Castiel had provided him. When he returned to the bedroom Cas had just finished dragging a spare mattress into the room, which he was now covering with blankets. When he saw Dean was done, he told him to take the bed.  
  
“I don’t mind sleeping on the floor,” Dean argued, but Cas just gave him a pointed look and went into the bathroom himself.  
  
Dean sat back down on Castiel’s queen, flipping back the duvet and sliding his legs underneath. It felt strangely intimate, to be in his friend’s bed like this. He lay down on his back, his head resting on the pillow that looked like it was the one Cas usually used. He knew he should probably toss it on the mattress that cluttered the floor so that Cas could sleep on it instead, but after turning his face towards the soft fabric and smelling Cas’ shampoo and a scent that was uniquely his he decided that the other boy would have to do with a different pillow tonight.  
  
Castiel only took a few minutes in the bathroom and when he came out he was dressed in a striped light blue t-shirt and dark grey boxer shorts. He grabbed a different pillow from his bed and Dean pointedly looked in a different direction until Cas was situated underneath his blankets.  
  
“Thanks for letting me sleep over,” Dean said, yawning.  
  
“No problem,” Cas replied with a smile. “I like having you around.”  
  
He switched off the light, enveloping the room in darkness. After both men said goodnight, it didn’t take long before a comfortable slumber claimed Dean’s consciousness.  
  
Flash. Boom.  
  
It wasn’t that much later when Dean groggily stared at the numbers on the alarm clock next to his face. It took him a while to realize that he wasn’t lying in his own bed, and he glanced around to see if Cas was still sleeping. When his eyes finally adjusted to the darkness, he saw his friend’s shivering form and it occurred to him that the other boy might be scared of thunder.  
  
“Cas,” he whispered. Castiel turned around, big eyes staring up at him in the dimness of the room. “Come on,” Dean said, turning back the unused part of his blanket. He scooted backwards a bit, so Cas would know what he meant. Cas mouth fell open in an ‘O’, and he nodded silently before getting up and slipping into the bed next to Dean.  
  
“Thanks,” he mumbled, sounding a bit embarrassed, while he tried to scoot as close to Dean as possible without actually touching him.  
  
“No problem,” Dean said, and he meant it. He liked having Castiel close to him.  
  
The thunder gave another flash-and-crash, and Cas visibly tensed up. Carefully, Dean inched closer to Cas. Castiel was lying on his back, clutching the blanket underneath his chin. Dean rolled so he was lying on his side, and he stretched his right arm over Cas, on top of the blankets. Cas’ head turned towards Dean, a question in his eyes.  
  
“This alright?” Dean asked, and Cas nodded, smiling. The other boy moved a bit so his side was flush against Dean’s front, which felt really nice.  
  
There was absolutely nothing sexual about their position, and for some reason Dean thought this was the nicest bed-sharing he’d ever done. Never had he felt like this with any of the girls he’d ever been with.  
  
Dean clutched Cas’ form a little closer, his right arm folded between their bodies, and Cas bended his own arm so they could hold hands. Dean’s head was resting just above Cas’ shoulder, Cas’ hair tickling his nose.  
  
“Night, Cas,” Dean said in the darkness.  
  
Flash. Boom.  
  
Cas relaxed into Dean’s hold.  
  
“Goodnight, Dean,” he mumbled, already falling asleep.

 

 

 

  
  
The next morning got a tad awkward. Dean was curled around Cas, and while that inherently wasn’t a problem at all, Dean’s boner definitely was. He woke slowly, enjoying the feeling of a warm body flush against his front. When he finally regained his full mental capacity and noticed his morning wood, he tensed and hoped Castiel was still asleep. He tried to move backwards, but no such luck.  
  
“Dean?” Cas grumbled, his face burrowing even further into the pillow they seemed to be sharing.  
  
“Just gotta go to the bathroom,” Dean said, hoping Castiel was still mostly asleep and wouldn’t notice his unfortunate predicament. Of course, that was when Cas objected to that sentiment and pressed his body further back into Dean’s. Now it was Cas’ time to freeze.  
  
“Um,” was all Dean could manage. But then, to his total surprise, Cas chuckled.  
  
“I guess I can’t really blame you for that one,” he laughed, turning his head around to gaze sleepily at Dean. Dean flushed red and took his hand off Cas’ hip to scratch at his neck before rolling onto his back. Luckily he was only feeling bodily arousal, so it just took a few seconds for his erection to wilt somewhat and he could think straight again. By that time, Castiel had turned around onto his back as well and he was now staring at Dean.  
  
“I like waking up next to you,” he stated. Dean smiled back at him.  
  
“Yeah, me too. Though my body might’ve liked it a bit too much. Really sorry about that.”  
  
Castiel reached out with his left hand and softly caressed Dean’s cheek, after which Dean placed his own hand on top of Cas’, trapping it there. He turned his face to press a gentle kiss into Cas’ palm and Castiel scooted a little bit closer, rolling onto his side so he was now the one pressing into Dean.  
  
They simply smiled at each other for a full minute, before Dean finally let go of Cas’ hand and placing his own now on his friend’s jaw, pulling him slightly closer to press a soft kiss to Castiel’s lips.  
  
“I think I want to keep waking up next to you,” Dean whispered, and Castiel’s answering grin was blinding.


	8. Chapter 8

 

 

 

_Christmas, three months later_  
  
Dean was on his way to the airport when his phone started buzzing on the seat next to him. He answered and carefully put it on speaker – he really wasn’t interested in crashing his car.  
  
“Can you drive past the store on your way back? Anna says she needs more eggs! _Someone_ was trying to start a food-fight in the kitchen and dropped an entire carton and now she can’t finish the dough for the pies!” Castiel’s voice was stressed and he sounded like he was well on his way to a panic attack.  
  
“No problem,” Dean said, and he could hear Cas’ breathing speeding up at the other end of the line – Dean noticed Anna was yelling at Gabriel in the background and he knew his boyfriend (that’s right, boyfriend) didn’t cope particularly well with conflict. “Breathe for me, Cas,” he said, and it took a few minutes of gentle prodding before Castiel was somewhat calmed down.  
  
“I’m now just arriving at the airport,” Dean continued. “We’ll be back in an hour and a half. Will you be alright until then? Do you need me to shout at Gabriel for a bit?”  
  
He heard Cas laugh and his mind eased a bit. “I’ll be okay. See you in a bit,” Cas said fondly.  
  
They hung up their phones and Dean managed to find a parking space within a few minutes – though only because another car was just leaving. Lots of people travelled on Christmas Eve.  
  
Dean made it into the arrivals hall in record time without actually running. Damn, he was eager to see Sammy again. He was happy to notice that the flight hadn’t been delayed and it would be arriving within the next few minutes. Too antsy to sit down, Dean paced in front of the doors Sam would have to come out of. He wasn’t a very patient man, although his time was well-spent watching friends, lovers, and family members reunite in front of him.  
  
When Sam finally approached him, he was kind of hard to miss. The kid seemed to have grown even taller than he was when he’d left and his longish hair bounced around his face while he almost skipped in Dean’s direction.  
  
“Dean!” he shouted gleefully, enveloping his brother in a bear hug.  
  
“Sammy, it’s so good to see you,” Dean responded, thumping Sam’s back. He pulled back and grinned at his baby brother, thinking he’d never seen the other boy look as happy as he did now.  
  
The two Winchesters made their way back to the car, Sam talking non-stop about his flight and how excited he was to be back in Kansas for the week.  
  
“Don’t get me wrong—California is awesome, but it’s just not home. I’m really looking forward to seeing everyone again, although I am a bit sad that Ash and Jo decided to celebrate Christmas at their mom’s.”  
  
Dean hummed his assent and started the car. They made quick work of the one hour drive, though picking up one carton of eggs on Christmas Eve took longer than he’d wanted it to. Nonetheless, they were back in Lawrence soon enough, and Dean took note to look at Sam’s face when he parked the Impala in front of Anna Milton’s house. He was not disappointed.  
  
“Woah,” Sam breathed. “They really are rich.”  
  
They’d all mutually agreed to celebrate Christmas with Castiel’s family. Seeing as Dean’s boyfriend was now living fulltime with his cousin, it only made sense to go there – it wasn’t like they’d run out of space.  
  
Sam and Dean got out of the car and approached the front door, which opened just before they could reach it and they saw Anna step out.  
  
“Eggs!” she shouted at Dean, making a harried first impression on Sam. Dean, however, knew she had been cooking all day and he lifted the plastic bag that contained Anna’s food. Anna made grabby hands at it, before visibly realizing Sam was standing just behind his brother.  
  
“Oops,” she said, and she smiled while wiping off her hands on the apron she was wearing. “You must be Sam! I’m Anna, it’s really great to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you!”  
  
Sam smiled back at her. “Nice to meet you, too,” he said while shaking her hand.  
  
“I’d love to make small talk, but I really have to get back into the kitchen. These pies need to get done, or I’ll never hear the end of it,” Anna excused herself, simultaneously grinning at Dean and grabbing the eggs out of his hand.  
  
Dean ushered his brother into the house, where they both took off their coats and shoes – Christmas at Casa Milton was a casual affair – and Sam deposited his bag under the coat rack. Dean led him into the den, where a six-months-pregnant Amelia was trying to keep Gabriel from returning into the kitchen. Castiel and Jimmy were observing her attempts from the coach, and—  
  
“Dad?”  
  
Sam flew towards the man sitting next to the window, flapping his hands around as if he didn’t know what to do with them.  
  
“Hullo, Sammy,” John said with a husky voice. He was still in his wheelchair, but other than that he looked nothing like the man Sam had left behind when he’d made a beeline for Stanford.  
  
“I didn’t know you’d be here,” Sam said softly with tears in his eyes. Dean respectfully directed his attention to Cas, to give his brother some privacy with their father.  
  
“I noticed Anna hasn’t broken down yet,” Dean smirked when he sat down next to Castiel, as close as possible without actually ending up in his lap.  
  
“It’s a true Christmas miracle,” Jimmy said, eying his fiancée as she was trying to goad Gabriel into doing things for her by playing the pregnancy card. It was a smart way to keep him out of Anna’s hair, Dean thought.  
  
Cas took and squeezed Dean’s hand, which never failed to make his heart soar. “This is going to be the best Christmas ever,” Castiel whispered into his boyfriend’s ear, and Dean couldn’t agree more.  
  
True to Jimmy’s words, Amelia’s unexpected pregnancy had been the last straw, causing their parents to sever all contact with the twins and Dean knew it had lifted a burden off Castiel’s mind. At first he’d been afraid that it would dampen Cas’ spirits even more, but Castiel had blossomed in the last few months. He claimed that while it was a bit due to his parents’ departure, it was mostly Dean who made him feel life was worth living after all. Dean didn’t mind taking the credit, because he was over the moon to have Castiel as his boyfriend as well. Sure, they had their ups and downs, but the downs were mostly in relation to Cas’ anxiety and Dean’s insecurity about Cas’ anxiety, and Castiel still regularly met up with his therapist – Dean had even come with him a few times. All things considered, they were doing great.  
  
The Winchester-Novak-Milton clan spent most of the afternoon chatting and playing games, even Anna popping in now and again when she wasn’t working on dinner. Dean had tried to offer his help several times but was shot down every time, and he was doing his best not to feel too guilty about having her prepare everything by herself.  
  
Dinner itself was a blast. Even though the people seated around the table were all different in their own ways, they got along really well and Dean smiled at seeing his mismatched family together. He was a bit sad Charlie wasn’t there, but she would come in from New York on Christmas Day with her girlfriend, Gilda. He could wait one more day to see her, and knowing she’d stay until after New Year’s put his mind at ease.  
  
Immediately after dessert had been consumed, Sam offered to take their dad back home. It didn’t surprise Dean, because he knew his brother had felt guilty about leaving Dean to take care of John. Dean threw him the keys to the Impala and started stacking plates on the kitchen counter.  
  
“Cas and me will get the dishes,” he told Anna, and waved her into the den. She tried to protest but Amelia grabbed her by the arm and pulled her with her, claiming she needed feminine support to outweigh the testosterone. Dean saw where she was coming from, because Jimmy had just challenged Gabriel to finish the rather large bowl of leftover whipped cream, stating it would be a waste to throw it out.  
  
When they were finally alone in the kitchen, Dean and Cas smiled at each other. Castiel stilled Dean’s hands where they were busy rinsing plates, and he stepped up to him to press a soft kiss to Dean’s lips. Dean immediately let go of the plate in the sink and put his damp hands on Cas’ shoulders, pulling him in more firmly. He deepened the kiss and enjoyed the feeling of his boyfriend against him, Castiel wrapping his arms around Dean’s waist to lock him tightly in place.  
  
Dean had just decided to lift Cas onto the kitchen counter when Gabriel came dashing past them, hurrying into the downstairs bathroom where he started to throw up violently. Dean and Cas looked at each other for a long moment before collapsing into laughter.  
  
Castiel pressed a last kiss to his boyfriend’s lips before going to check up on Gabriel, and Dean wondered if Gabe had lost Jimmy’s challenge by puking the whipped cream – and hours of Anna’s effort, he supposed – down the toilet. He shrugged to himself and went back to cleaning dinner plates.  
  
He was a bit disappointed he wasn’t making out with Cas anymore, but he figured that was the risk when one had a large, loud family. Dean decided he rather liked it, looking forward to the years to come.


End file.
